“I Caught My Husband Watching Porn”

Posted on July 27, 2016July 27, 2016 by Raffi Bilek

If you’ve just discovered your boyfriend or husband watching porn online – perhaps extensively – you may be feeling shock, anger, disappointment, betrayal, and more. You also may be confused about what this means for your marriage. Or, you might be very clear about whether you want to fix it or end it. Many women feel if their husband has turned to pornography it means he is no longer interested in her or no longer finds her attractive. This can take a toll on your self-esteem, to say nothing of your relationship with him. In reality, any reaction you have is understandable. There is no ...

After the Affair: The Importance of Coming Clean Entirely

Posted on May 31, 2016June 2, 2016 by Raffi Bilek

When someone has an affair and is discovered or comes clean on their own, their instinct is often to soften the blow and/or minimize the damage, especially if they still care about their partner and want to cause the least pain possible. As a result, they will reveal only a part of the information, or no more than what has already been found out. The thinking is that more information will only hurt the betrayed partner more, and why do that to them? In fact, the only way to repair the problem is to come clean – fully. In the same way that the betraying partner believed they could cover up t...

Rebuilding Relationships

Posted on December 10, 2015December 14, 2015 by Raffi Bilek

A common dynamic that I encounter in doing marriage counseling is that one partner will want to convince the other of some aspect of him/herself and get frustrated/angry/hopeless when they can’t seem to do so. Let’s take trust for an example, in a relationship between hypothetical clients Martin and Tia. Let’s say that there has been a breach in the relationship – maybe Martin person cheated on Tia, or has been viewing pornography extensively (which Tia disapproves of or resents), or maybe it’s a different kind of breach, like a huge financial expense that he made by one party without asking o...

The Science of Trust in Relationships

Posted on October 19, 2015November 25, 2015 by Raffi Bilek

In the short video below, renowned relationships researcher John Gottman discusses recent findings on the science of trust. Significantly, he explains that betrayal is not the opposite of trust, and that one of the key ingredients of trust is commitment. The great destroyer of a person's ability to build trust in their relationship is the perspective that "I can do better." Check it out: Learn more about our couples counseling services here.

Infidelity Now and Then

Posted on September 24, 2015July 19, 2017 by Raffi Bilek

In the wake of the Ashley Madison leak, I got a lot of questions from friends and colleagues about the extent of the infidelity problem in America (at least, for those who consider it a problem). I don’t know that I’m really the best person to answer that question given that people usually don’t come to see me when they are having no issues in their marriage or relationship, but I must say, at least from my perspective, that the problem is rampant. In fact, the majority of all the couples cases I work with involve issues of infidelity. Sometimes it’s not the initial problem they present with, ...

How to Recover from an Affair – When You’re the Cheater

Posted on January 23, 2015November 25, 2015 by Raffi Bilek

Here's another article I wrote on managing a relationship after an affair - this one directed at the cheater: https://www.wellness.com/blog/13274483/how-to-recover-from-an-affair-when-you-re-the-cheater/raffi-bilek Learn more about our work with couples and infidelity here.

Recovering from an Affair

Posted on December 15, 2014November 25, 2015 by Raffi Bilek

An affair is often thought of as a death blow to a marriage –the worst thing that could possibly happen to the relationship, from which there can be no recovery. The truth is that a couple can still save their marriage . . . https://www.wellness.com/blog/13270625/how-to-recover-from-an-affair/raffi-bilek Learn more about our couples counseling services here.

Love after Adultery

Posted on October 8, 2014November 25, 2015 by Raffi Bilek

It is commonly thought that adultery is a certain death blow to a marriage. After all, what could possibly do more injury to a relationship than an affair? It strikes us as the worst thing someone could do. Heck, it even made it into the Ten Commandments! I once heard a counselor say to me, “I can generally save any marriage, as long as it doesn’t involve adultery.” So it’s certainly a widespread perception, even among professionals. The truth is, however, that adultery doesn’t have to mean the end of a marriage. This is not at all to minimize the severity of the offense; rather, it reflect...

Does Sexting Count as Cheating?

Posted on September 3, 2014November 25, 2015 by Raffi Bilek

Many people aren’t sure how to answer this question. When a married man is sending inappropriate text messages to another woman (or vice versa), does that “count” as an affair? The answer is really a subjective one. When a man cheats on his wife, or a woman on her husband, the problem is not so much the act that took place as it is the breach of trust – one of the parties broke the implicit promise made when they established a committed relationship. Most people understand that a person can be cheating even if there was no sex involved. If a married man takes a woman out on a romantic date,...

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