What is Financial Infidelity?

When people think about infidelity, they’re usually thinking about a married/committed partner having a relationship (emotional or sexual) with another person. But there is another kind of infidelity that can destroy a marriage – financial infidelity.

What is financial infidelity in a marriage? And what can you do about it?

Defining Financial Infidelity

Every marriage is based on trust. It is very hard to keep a marriage together when there is no trust between the partners.

Building trust is a process that takes time, and every relationship experiences mistakes and failures that negatively affect trust. That’s normal. Just like in every growth process there are ups and downs.

However, when someone betrays their partner’s trust in a big way, we call that infidelity. And when it’s related to the couple’s finances, it’s financial infidelity.

Most couples expect to be leaning on each other financially to some extent. Even if they don’t share a bank account, they are financially interdependent in that they have shared expenses for a home or apartment, for groceries, etc.

And most couples assume that they are working together for shared financial goals, whether it’s buying a house together or simply remaining financially stable. There is an expectation of collaboration and transparency that people generally come into a relationship with, just like there is generally an expectation of sexual fidelity unless otherwise stated.

So when it turns out that someone hasn’t been truthful about a financial issue, that strikes at the foundation of the relationship. And it can be a pretty explosive problem, since money tends to come with a lot of intense emotions attached.

Financial Infidelity Examples

There are lots of types of financial betrayal, beyond just a partner lying about money. Let’s take a look at some examples of financial infidelity:

Lying about a big expense. A person might buy something that costs a lot of money and worry their partner will be angry, so they lie about how much they paid or claim they received it as a gift.

Making a large purchase without consulting your partner. Unless you are extremely wealthy, there is some price point at which making a purchase impacts your financial state. For most people, for example, buying a new car is not a small expense. Making such a purchase without consulting one’s partner – who is going to be financially affected by this expenditure – is a betrayal of their trust.

Not disclosing significant debt. If someone has thousands of dollars in credit card debt and they get into a relationship but never tell their partner, that is also a breach of trust.

(Such an individual might argue that they never actually lied about it; but lies of omission can land just as hard as lies of commission. Imagine your partner was already married when you got together with them but didn’t tell you. “Well, you never asked!” probably wouldn’t cut it for you.)

Maintaining a secret bank account. Likewise, most people don’t start off a relationship by asking their partner if they have a bank account they never mentioned. Someone who’s withdrawing and depositing money in an account they have deliberately kept secret from their partner is obviously not being straight with them.

Applying for credit secretly using a partner’s information. This is problematic in that it’s not only affecting the couple’s current financial situation, it is also going to affect the partner’s future credit (and assumedly if someone has to use their partner’s info to get a loan or credit card, their own credit history doesn’t bode well for what will happen to their partner’s).

Giving money to others. Someone who gives or lends a large amount of money to a friend – let’s say to help them start a business, or to pay off debt – is in the same category as someone who makes a large purchase without asking their partner. There’s an expectation that large financial undertakings will be made jointly.

But even a small gift can feel like a betrayal depending on who it’s given to. For example, if you discover your partner has secretly been sending money to an ex, or to a child you never knew they had, even a small amount can feel like a betrayal.

Gambling with large sums. A gambling problem can cost a couple tremendous sums of money. People with this kind of addiction often try to hide it, and the consequences, both financial and relational, can be pretty earth-shattering.

Even if someone hasn’t racked up huge losses (yet), or has even (improbably) won some money, deciding unilaterally to risk money and financial trouble for the couple is a type of financial cheating.

Violating a shared budget agreement. Couples who are on top of their finances often put together a shared budget to guide their spending. Since most people can’t buy whatever they feel like, budgeting usually means some level of limiting one’s purchases.

If you’ve agreed on a certain budget and are keeping to the limit you and your partner agreed on, and then you discover that they have blown right through that budget with a significant expense, that is not only a breach of trust but a slap in the face too!

Signs of Financial Infidelity

Here are some indicators of financial dishonesty in marriage. If you see your partner engaging in these behaviors, take note!

• Buying things beyond what it seems you/they can afford.

• Refusing to let you see their bank account.

• Getting defensive/uncomfortable/evasive when you ask questions about money.

• Controlling the mail, not letting you check the mailbox or open envelopes.

You may also experience the following:

• You get unexpected calls/letters from debt collection agencies

• You find unexplained receipts, invoices, or loan documents.

• Your bank account/credit score seems noticeably lower than you expect.

What to Do if You Have Experienced Financial Infidelity

Financial infidelity, like emotional or sexual infidelity, can be a very big blow to your marriage.

If you suspect this is happening in your marriage but aren’t sure, keep an eye out for the red flags mentioned above.  It may be helpful to consult with a trusted friend or mentor to make sure you’re looking at the situation objectively.

If it does seem like something fishy is up, or you just have a gut feeling something’s not right, approach your partner calmly and with curiosity, not accusation. That might sound something like this:

“Honey, could we talk about something that’s bothering me? I’ve been seeing [what you saw] and I’m feeling a but uncomfortable about it. Can you help me understand this?”

If instead you come at them with anger and assumptions, then even if you are correct, the whole thing is going to go much worse!

And this is true even if you really do have hard evidence of your partner lying about money in some way. It is almost guaranteed that you are going to get defensiveness (perhaps even denial) as the initial response from your partner. Not to say that this is acceptable – but if you expect it and are in control of your emotions rather than screaming and blaming, you will get through that part more quickly and less painfully.

Once it’s established that there has been a financial betrayal, there will be a lot of feelings to get through – anger, betrayal, fear, etc. Whatever you feel at this point is totally legitimate (and that includes a desire to get up and leave or feelings of forgiveness and understanding).

If you and your partner have had a solid relationship until now and have good communication between the two of you, there are obviously some conversations that need to be had.

If your communication has never been on point, or if you are too emotional to communicate well, getting in front of a couples counselor is critical to be able to get through this.

It might also be important to consult with a financial professional to help you figure out how to get out of the mess your spouse may have created, or a lawyer if there are legal issues involved. (Note that this part will go much more smoothly if you are working well together, so a couples counselor might be the first stop.)

If You Are the One Who’s Been Lying

If you’ve been lying to your partner about your finances in some way, the sooner you come clean, the sooner you can start fixing this up.

It is certainly a scary thing to think about revealing. But – as you probably already know – there is only so long you can keep this secret before it blows up anyway. Being honest about the situation is a much better option than having your spouse find out without you telling them.

If you’re not sure how to pull this off, talking to a professional who’s familiar with infidelity counseling can provide some useful guidance.

And if you’ve already been found out and are wondering how to manage the disaster, definitely reach out for help sooner than later. It’s possible to save your marriage, but it’s going to take you stepping up and being accountable for where things are at and for making efforts to fix them.

Financial Infidelity Does Not Have to Mean Divorce

Financial infidelity in marriage can be a big blow to the relationship. But it doesn’t have to mean the end. Like emotional or sexual infidelity, relationships can recover from this kind of betrayal.

That’s not to say it will be easy – there are some challenging times ahead. But with commitment, work, and good support, you can get through this together and rebuild trust.