Signs of Cheating - How Do I Know If My Partner Is Cheating on Me?

The unexplained latenesses, the unusual protectiveness of their phone, the strange behaviors in your partner – increasingly, you’re noticing some weird things going on, and it’s making you more and more uncomfortable. You’re starting to wonder... “is my partner cheating?”

This can be such a destabilizing feeling. Especially if you could never imagine this being true of your partner, the niggling suspicions that you can’t get rid of are driving you crazy. How can you know for sure if your partner is cheating?

When You Can Be Sure They’re Cheating

The truth is, there’s really only two ways to know for sure that they’re cheating: one is a confession from them, and the other is “smoking gun” evidence.

A confession, of course, makes it pretty clear. Some guilty partners come out voluntarily to confess what they’ve done so they can try to make amends and repair the relationship. (In other cases they admit to it because they have decided to leave you, which of course makes things very clear, and very painful.)

Other than that, you’d need to see incontrovertible evidence to be sure. That could include any of the following:

• Actually walking in on them having sex (or about to).

• Seeing a photo or video of them in the act. (It’s remarkable that people will keep digital evidence of such things, but it’s not so uncommon.)

• Seeing a text conversation including plans to have sex, unambiguous references to the affair they are having, or nude photos of each other.

• We could also possibly include in this category eyewitness testimony from a friend that you completely, 100% trust (meaning, they SAW it, not just heard about it).

Note that this means the following are not incontrovertible evidence:

• Spotting your partner walking into a restaurant with a person of the gender they are attracted to – or even with the suspected affair partner.

• Seeing a photo of them together in some nonsexual way (e.g. arm around each other).

• Seeing text messages to the effect of “can’t wait to see you” or “do you want to get together again for lunch?”

• Rumors going around about your partner, comments from someone you know that they heard your partner is doing XYZ, etc.

Of course, all of these may well be grounds for suspicion; if you are a married woman and your husband is making plans with some other woman you’ve never heard of, that definitely doesn’t look good!

Still, that’s not what you call a smoking gun. It would make sense to address the situation to figure out what’s going on. (That will be the topic of a forthcoming post.)

Common Signs of Cheating

Here are some more behaviors that may be signs your partner is cheating; but do not assume there’s infidelity going on just because you’ve noticed one or two of these:

• They become more protective of their phone than usual. You notice they start deliberately putting it face down when it’s next to them; they walk back into the room and grab it if they happen to leave without it; they intentionally angle themselves away from you when they’re on their phone. (If this has always been normal behavior for them, it’s probably less concerning.)

• They change their passwords. You used to be able to open their phone, but the password doesn’t work anymore. Likewise for their email, social media accounts, etc. (Again, if you never had access to their accounts, this may not indicate anything.)

• They are deleting messages, texts, emails, browsing history. If you see them texting all day but there are no texts on their phone, that’s a little odd. Not absolute proof of anything, mind you, but it’s one indicator among many.

• They seem more distant and withdrawn than usual, over an extended period. You don’t feel connected and they don’t seem to care much.

• They actively avoid you. They’re not making eye contact and dodge any conversations that aren’t about practical matters at home.

• Your sex life has dropped off. They don’t seem interested much in sex anymore, or they can’t perform even when they try. (Again, there are many potential explanations for this besides cheating, such as illness, stress, normal aging, masturbation, and others.)

• They show a sudden interest in looking nice, dressing up, etc.

• They are spending more and more time away from home (at work, with friends, or without explanation).

• You find receipts or credit card charges you don’t recognize or understand.

Remember that all of these could have sensible explanations, and seeing one or two of these potential signs of cheating shouldn’t be taken as incontrovertible proof.

That said, if you see all of these red flags, then even a good explanation for each one independently begins to look rather suspicious.

Playing Detective to Expose an Affair

Some people (understandably) feel so compelled to find out the truth that they begin snooping around, even going so far as to hire a private investigator or plant tracking devices in their partner’s car in order to find out if there is cheating going on.

These measures may become appropriate at some point, but they are definitely not the place to start.

For one thing, if it turns out there’s nothing going on and your partner finds out you sent a detective after them, that itself can be a pretty big blow to the relationship.

But even if it turns out you are correct that there is something improper going on, catching someone in a “gotcha” moment is generally not the way to manage the situation productively (whether you’re looking to mend the relationship or end it). You are certain to get defensiveness and anger.

Exploring the things in front of you makes sense – if you normally check the credit card charges, then reviewing those is not much more than your typical behavior. If you regularly use the same browser as your partner, then checking the history isn’t a big stretch.

Going into their social media accounts when that’s not something you normally do, or following them when they leave home to see where they go – that’s a level up from the norm. This is a reasonable next step when you’re spotting some of the above red flags in your normal day-to-day activities.

It’s at this point that you’d want to collect your evidence and talk to your partner. We’ll discuss how to do that in the next post.

I wouldn’t recommend into full spy mode with tracking/recording devices, spyware, or hired investigators yet; as noted above, this is sort of the nuclear option, and is best reserved for a more dire situation. (That would likely be after you’ve already spoken to them, have gotten firm denials, but are still seeing strange behaviors and/or feeling suspicious.)

Is My Partner Cheating? - What to Do Next

If you’re seeing some of these signs of cheating and are feeling uncomfortable, that makes sense. It might be helpful to consult with a professional who’s experienced with infidelity to help you figure out what’s going on, and what you should do next to figure things out.

Feel free to reach out to us if you need some help and support around this difficult situation.