What to Do If Your Spouse Cheats on You

If you just found out that your spouse is cheating on you, the first thing you need to do is this:

Nothing.

To be clear, I am not saying you will not do something about this situation ever. I just mean that right now, as you are dealing with this massive shock, you should not take action.

Anything you do right now is going to be from a place of intense emotion, which is generally not a good way to make an important decision.

Let’s take this one step at a time.

Step 1: Managing the Initial Discovery of an Affair

I assume that you did not just walk in on your spouse in bed with someone else and decided to Google a solution in that moment. Even if that is how you found out about the cheating – well, first of all, I am very sorry for that horrible experience you went through – still, I imagine we are maybe a few days out from that moment, and you’re trying to figure out what now.

But I would guess that most people reading this have found out through other means, and possibly your spouse doesn’t even know yet that you know. (Most of this post will be relevant even if your spouse does know you know.)

Whatever the case, if this is still a very new situation, you are no doubt going through a host of emotions, most of them not so pleasant.

You’re shocked – perhaps you had no idea this was happening. Maybe you can’t even believe your spouse would do something like this. They didn’t seem like the type. You would never have dreamed they could break your marriage vows. Maybe they even promised explicitly in the past that they would never cheat.

You’re also, of course, devastated. The betrayal feels enormous, insurmountable. You’re hurt beyond words that they would become sexually and/or emotionally involved with someone else; that they would lie to you, possibly for a very long time; that they would disrespect you in so blatant a fashion.

And you’re furious. That kind of disrespect naturally would lead someone to be angry. Being lied to makes you angry. Feeling like an idiot makes you angry. There’s a lot to be angry about here.

And there’s a lot more feelings to feel as well. (Miserable? Humiliated? Depressed? We could go on.) Know that whatever’s going on inside you right now is normal.

So step 1 is to not do anything, but just to feel the feelings. Any feelings you try to stuff away will come back out later anyway. And anything you do under the influence of these powerful emotions will likely come back to haunt you.

Let yourself cry, let yourself scream, whatever you need to do to let the emotions flow through you is a good way to start managing this situation. (I am referring here to yelling in an empty room, at your computer screen, into your pillow, etc. – not to yelling at your spouse. One step at a time, please.)

Step 2: Talk to Someone

The next thing you should do is think of someone you can talk to about this crisis. If you have a close and trusted friend or family member who can hear you out and be supportive without telling you what to do, that can be a good option. But if you know your mother, say, is judgmental, opinionated, narcissistic, etc. – she may not be a good person to share this with right now.

(Note that it’s a big decision to make in general whether to tell your family members – you may choose to patch things up with your spouse (yes, it’s 100% possible), and you may see them go through a lot of repentance and rebuilding, but your family members won’t see that all, and may never be able to let go of the transgression. So this is mostly intended as an option for those of you who have a parent or sibling who’s really your BFF.)

Another good option is a teacher, clergyperson, coach, or therapist. If you don’t have a therapist, this could be a good time to get one! Having a caring and objective person to help ground you will be a big asset in the upcoming storm (and they also don’t come with the potential repercussions of sharing the information with someone in your family or immediate community).

As far as talking to a lawyer: if you are reasonably sure you’d want to get a divorce, or if you have reason to believe your spouse is planning to go that route (for example, based on text messages you discovered), there’s nothing wrong with consulting with a divorce lawyer to gather information. However, that definitely doesn’t mean you must or should start divorce proceedings at this point (see below).

Step 3: Keep Your Options Open

An affair does not certainly mean the end of a marriage. Many couples have faced this crisis and come out in one piece, often even stronger than before. You can too.

It is possible for a marriage to recover from infidelity. It is possible to build trust and closeness again. It is also possible that your partner still loves you and cares about you. (I know this might seem crazy to some people; see this post for further clarity on this point.)

Of course, all this will take time. You are not going to resolve this problem today, or tomorrow, or next week. What this means is that you also don’t have to make a decision about what you are going to do today, or tomorrow, or next week.

Take some deep breaths. Get the support you need. And let things play out for a while before you sign off on a final decision. (For more information about deciding on the future of the relationship, check out Should I Get a Divorce?)

Affair Discovery Don’ts

Let’s touch on a few things you should NOT do upon discovering your spouse’s affair:

1. Don’t call out the affair partner.

It is very tempting to call up the other man/woman and let them have it in the worst way – to embarrass them, rake them over the coals, and “give them what’s coming to them.”

This is not a good idea.

First of all, it is just going to cause things to blow up more. There will be more anger, more conflict, and more unhappiness for you not less than for anyone else involved. It will make it that much harder to get your life back together, whether you’re looking to reconcile or not.

All you will achieve by doing this is scoring a little revenge-based satisfaction, which doesn’t last long. And it will come at a high cost.

But more importantly, perhaps, is that when you look back at all this in the rearview mirror sometime in the future, you are going to want to see that you behaved as your best self under duress.

You want to live in line with your values, which I am willing to bet do not involve being nasty to other people (even if they hurt you), losing your cool, or making bad decisions because it felt good in the moment. When you look back at this, what kind of person will you want to have been?

Be that person.

2. Don’t tell everyone you know.

We mentioned above that telling a select one or two people could be important for you to get the support you need. But the point of that is to seek help getting through this, not as a method of revenge or of (questionable) “justice”.

Don’t go sharing the bombshell with all your friends and neighbors, or posting it on your social media. That is not help-seeking behavior.

It would be easy to fool yourself into believing that other people have a right to know what a terrible person your spouse is, or that your spouse deserves to be outed because they brought this on themselves, or any number of other rationalizations. Again, this is the wrong way to go.

This approach invites all kinds of trouble and achieves nothing. (To take one example of the kind of trouble you can find: if you have children together, especially young ones, the damage it can do to them to find out about a parent’s affair – especially from outside sources – is quite significant.)

See Don’t #2 again. You will live a much happier life if you can take the high road in a difficult situation.

3. Don’t make any major decisions right now.

Don’t go get divorce papers drawn up. Don’t put your house up for sale. Definitely don’t do anything that would be irreversible.

This is not a time to jump into action. You are most likely quite emotional right now, which means that your prefrontal cortex has been hijacked by your feelings, and that’s the part you need for important functions like weighing options, considering consequences, and making decisions.

Your brain is offline right now. Don’t fall prey to the urge to make this all go away in one swift motion. Decisions make on the spur of the moment tend not to be the best ones.

Let things be crummy for a while. Feel your feelings. Get support. Do some deep breathing, yoga, meditation, exercise, whatever will help you manage the high energy you’ve got going on inside. Let it be for now – it will lead to better outcomes in the end.

(This all applies in most situations; however, if you have discovered that your spouse is, for example, plotting with the affair partner to empty your bank account and run off to Tahiti, then yes, it may be wise to take action promptly.)

Conclusion: What to Do If Your Spouse Cheats on You

We have yet to discuss how to confront your spouse about what you’ve found out. That will come in another post. Right now we’re just dealing with managing yourself well in the difficult stretch of time that comes after the discovery.

The bottom line is this: you want to know what to do If your spouse cheats on you?

Do nothing.

Feel. Breathe. Get support. (Feel free to reach out to us if that would be helpful.)

One step at a time.