How to Confront Your Partner When You Suspect They’re Cheating

If you suspect that your partner is having an affair, you are likely feeling uncomfortable, mistrustful, and on edge (to name a few). Being cheated on is hard; wondering if you’re being cheated on can in some ways be even harder.

On one hand, you have the nagging sense that something isn’t right; you’re suspicious, concerned, even angry.

On the other hand, you’re nervous to bring it up – what if you’re wrong? – and you may feel guilty for even thinking such a thing about your significant other. Then you swing back and forth between the two sides of it over and over! It can drive you a bit crazy.

Living in limbo like this is excruciating. How can you confront your partner when you suspect they’re cheating to find out to find out what’s really going on?

How to Confront Your Partner: Where to Begin

Let’s say you’ve been seeing some strange behaviors on the part of your partner that you can’t shake off as nothing – an unexplained absence here, increased work time there, a weird text message on the side – but there’s no smoking gun, nothing you can point to unequivocally.

Assumedly you’ve been picking up clues over time and have been feeling increasingly uneasy about it. You’d like to clear the air.

I can tell you that running in with a finger pointed angrily at your partner will not get you the results you’re looking for (unless the result you are looking for is a Big Giant Fight). So take some time to prepare a measured response.

List out the things you’ve seen that have you worried. Then approach your partner and schedule a time to speak. Having a conversation like this on the fly is unlikely to work well, as is unilaterally deciding on a time when you’re all good but your partner is preoccupied/stressed/hungry/etc.

Then you can sit down with them and present your concerns. Tell them what’s on your list, and then you can pop the question: are you cheating on me? Ask them sincerely to give you an honest answer; hopefully, if your relationship has been in a decent place, you’ll get one. (If your relationship has been falling apart, or full of constant fighting, or if lying is already the norm in your relationship, the odds of getting real honesty at this point are somewhat lower.)

Here's an example of how this might go:

“Hey. Thanks for sitting down with me for a few minutes. Here’s what I wanted to talk about: basically, I’ve been seeing some things going on that have been making me really uncomfortable. You’ve been coming home late more and more. You’ve been carrying your phone everywhere, which seems like a new thing for you. You’ve been texting late at night... so, basically, I am wondering if you’re having an affair– before you answer, please, I am asking you above all to be honest. Please don’t lie to me. If you care about me, I am asking you for the truth.”

Then, see what they say.

If You Get Denial

It is not unlikely that you will get a denial. Either your partner is in fact not cheating, or they are, and most people who are doing that and facing a direct accusation have trouble coming clean immediately. That is a hard thing to do. I am certainly not justifying further lies; I am just being real that most people can’t pull off an honest confession on the spot (although it’s not unheard of).

If your partner has not been doing anything wrong at all, most likely they will respond with surprise, but also hopefully with empathy – they’ll feel bad that they have even made you think such a thing. It would also be reasonable for them to be a little hurt that you would suspect them of cheating, if that is something they are committed to never ever doing.

On the other hand, if the response you get is anger and pushback, that is a lot more concerning.

In such a case, you would be wise to back out of the conversation and save it for later: “I can understand this is upsetting for you. I don’t want to get into a huge fight. Let’s take some space and continue this later.”

Other troubling responses include turning things around and accusing you of snooping, or even of cheating yourself, or making it seem like you’re crazy for even thinking such a thing.  (Think of how you would respond if your partner would come to you out the blue and respectfully ask you if you’re cheating. You might be shocked, but you probably wouldn’t go on the attack and make them think they’re nuts for having such thoughts.)

It is hard to know for sure if someone is telling you the truth or lying. The best intelligence agents in the world can’t do it much better than chance. Your gut feeling is often a good indication. But dealing with the complexity of a denial that doesn’t feel quite convincing you is a big topic for another post (and quite possibly for individual consultation, since every situation can be so different.)

If You Get a Confession

Ouch. It hurts. There’s no easy way around that.

Perhaps they do come clean right away. Or perhaps after the initial denial they come back and fess up. Now what?

If you’re at all able to pull it off, I recommend thanking them for being honest with you. If you show them that telling you the truth doesn’t result in you tearing their face off, they are more likely to continue to do so in the future. (And there is almost certainly more truth that needs to come out – the likelihood of getting the entire story in one go is small indeed.)

If, on the other hand, you turn into a churning volcano of rage, you will have a much harder time getting further details out of them, which you may yet want to do.

What To Do Next

The next step is to wait. Do not try to make a decision about the future of your relationship right now. You will be in an extremely emotional state, which is the opposite of the best way to make a decision of any kind, let alone one this consequential.

Ask more questions if they’re willing provide answers – and if you can handle hearing them. Otherwise, take some space and go cry or scream into a pillow; call a friend, family member, or therapist for support. You’re going to need it – it’s going to be a bumpy ride however it goes.

In the next post, we’ll address a different situation – when you are already certain that your partner is cheating, and you want to confront them about it. Stay tuned for that.