My Husband Isn’t Interested in Sex. What Can I Do?

If you are a woman married to a man and your husband isn’t interested in sex, it can be extremely upsetting, confusing, and hurtful.

You’ve probably absorbed all the cultural messages that tell us that men are always looking for sex and that they can get turned on at a moment’s notice.

You also have likely been affected by the cultural norms that woman shouldn’t be that interested in sex and that they should be able to turn on their partners with little more than a sexy look or piece of lingerie.

The reality is not so much like that. It takes work to keep up a vibrant sexual relationship over the long term. And actually it is not at all unusual for a woman to be more interested in sex than her husband.

Still, it doesn’t feel very good.

Let’s talk about what’s going on here, and what you can do about it.

Why Isn’t My Husband Interested in Sex?

1. It Probably Isn't Your Appearance

Let’s start with this fundamental point: your husband’s lack of interest in sex probably has nothing to do with how you look.

Although your appearance is unlikely to be the major issue, women frequently assume it is, so I wanted to knock this one off first.

There are any number of reasons why a man would not want to have sex – and many of them have nothing to do with how attractive you are or how much weight you’ve put on since the wedding. We’ll list some of reasons that are actually more likely below.

Please do not start hating yourself for going through the natural aging process of your body, or running through fad diets in an effort to stop it. This situation is most likely not about that. We’ll explore these other reasons shortly.

So, all that said, I want to be real, and we probably shouldn’t pass by issue out entirely. It’s not impossible that the way you look is having some effect on your sex life. So let’s try to be realistic without shaming or blaming.

If you’ve “let yourself go,” you probably already know it anyway (and your husband’s reluctance to hop into bed is probably just making you feel worse about it).

In many cases, there is something you can do about this. If you haven’t been exercising as much as you would like or have been eating more junk food than you know you should, then there are some clear options in front of you to get yourself back in shape.

(Note that this true for men as well – many women aren’t that excited about sleeping with a man who is grossly overweight, has bad hygiene, etc. If people don’t take care of their bodies, it impacts people besides just them!)

Of course, there are many things about your body that you can’t change. Getting older, wrinklier, and heavier is pretty inevitable. (That said, there are plenty of older and/or heavier people who have very happy sex lives, so don’t assume that these are the obstacles in your marriage.)

For some people, an accident or a surgery has significantly changed the way they look (and not for the better). That can be a hard reality to grapple with, but again, not insurmountable.

What can you do in these situations?

What to do about it

Again, it is wise not to assume that your appearance is truly the key factor here. You don’t have to look like [insert name of famous actress] to be sexually desirable. (In fact, whatever actress you’re thinking of also doesn’t look like that – at least not without plenty of makeup and digital effects.) Many people who do not have fake bodies are very satisfied with their sex life!

If your husband has straight up told you that your appearance is a turnoff, or you have asked him and he has said yes, then it’s time to start working on this. Or, if you recognize that you are seriously overweight – well, it’s not a bad idea to start taking care of yourself anyway!

In this case, attending to your diet and exercise routine are reasonable approaches. But for those women who have physical situations that are not fixable, the best approach is open communication about the reality of the situation. Getting support from a couples counselor or sex therapist can also be helpful.

It’s not easy to talk about your intimate life with a stranger, of course. But it’s probably better than never having sex again. And there are many professionals who are very compassionate and helpful and who can make it easier to talk about this difficult topic.

2. Emotional Connection

Again, contrary to what we’re taught to believe, many men need emotional connection for sex to work the same as women (supposedly) do.

If your marriage is not in great shape, whether it’s due to big, nasty arguments or just to increasing distance and disconnection between you, that could be a major reason why your husband isn’t interested in being intimate right now.  A lack of emotional intimacy can mean a lack of physical intimacy, too.

Do you guys fight all the time? Or maybe you don’t fight much – but he feels like he’s walking on eggshells all day to avoid it. (You may not even know it if he is.)

Another common situation where emotional distance in a relationship comes into stark relief is after the kids leave the house and you’re empty nesters – and now you’ve got to figure out how to come back together a romantic partners after decades of being mostly just co-parents.

What to do about it

Consider whether the state of your emotional relationship is a more critical piece of the puzzle might be a bigger player here than your physical appearance. Remember, as we said above, you don’t have to look like a 20-year-old model to be sexually attractive!

Check in with your husband – he may well tell you that it’s the quality of the relationship and not the shape of your body that has got him turned off. And if so, it’s time to get working on that!

If you haven’t invested the time into the relationship that’s needed for it to thrive – and this is a common problem for folks with kids – start carving out time for yourselves as partners and lovers, not just co-parents.

If there are more extensive problems in the relationship – head to couples counseling. Get yourselves in a better place in your marriage so that you can get to a better place in your bedroom.

3. Porn

Real women cannot compete with airbrushed porn stars. Real sex can’t compete with what porn injects into our brains. Men who watch porn (and/or masturbate frequently) are obviously less interested in sex.

This is not just because they’ve already used up their sexual energies without you (though that is certainly a part of it). It’s also because it’s just really hard to get aroused by lower-level stimuli once you get used to porn.

Porn has been shown to act on the brain like a drug, and like with any drug, habituation is a thing: the more you consume it, the more you need to get the same buzz. A real, in-the-flesh woman (and only one of them at a time, no less) just doesn’t cut it anymore.

In fact, men who overdo it on the porn watching can have trouble even getting an erection – and this is even for young fellows who really oughtn’t be having that problem.

If your husband regularly consumes porn but isn’t interested in sex with an actual human (you), it’s worth considering whether porn is the problem. (Note, however, that porn might actually be his solution – for example, perhaps it’s the emotional disconnect that is hurting your sex life, and your has turned to porn as an outlet since he feels so disconnected from you.)

What to do about it

This situation is of course rather delicate. Talking to someone about their porn usage is kind of awkward (especially when it comes with the added feelings and implications of an intimate relationship between you).

Not only that, but many men minimize or dismiss the effect that porn might actually be having on their brain and on their body.

Your best bet might be to reach out from a personal and vulnerable place – let him know how you feel about his porn use, and how you miss being intimate with him. Leave out complaints like “you never want to have sex with me” or “you watch too much porn” – you will only elicit defensiveness, and possibly shame. Neither of these is going to lead anywhere good.

It’s not unlikely he will deny that porn is getting in the way of your sex life; he’ll have some other reason for it. Don’t get into an argument about it. It won’t help.

Instead, ask if he’d be willing to discuss with you ways you could get your sex life back on track. If you need help having that conversation together, a couples counselor can certainly assist with that. If he isn’t willing to attend, book a session for yourself and get some advice. A flagging sex life is one thing; a spouse who doesn’t want to try to fix it is another.

Of course, if he does agree that cutting back on porn would be good for you guys – great! Let’s see if that improves things. If he finds it harder to stop than he thought (which is not uncommon), there are plenty of websites and therapists out there to help folks unhook from porn. 

4. His Own Issues

It’s entirely possible that your husband isn’t interested in sex for reasons that have absolutely nothing to do with you.

He might be aging and struggling with his own sense of attractiveness and virility. It is normal as men age to have trouble getting erections as easily as before; some men react to this unwelcome development by staying away from the martial bed entirely, so as not to have to face the disappointment and shame of not being able to perform.

Likewise, a man struggling with premature ejaculation might prefer to avoid sexual contact to avoid the embarrassment.

He could be experiencing a change in libido with age, or with a new medication or other physical situation that has come up.

He might have some past trauma that is coming up and getting in the way of his being able to be intimate. This can be true even if you had no problem having sex in the past – something may have come up to trigger the trauma that is affecting him now, such as your moving in together, your formalizing the marriage, the birth of a child, or any number of life circumstances.

He could simply be stressed about his job/his family members/your financial situation/the kids/etc., and stress is a well-known killer of sex drives.

In short, there is no lack of reasons to explain why your husband isn’t interested in sex. It’s important not to immediately take the blame on yourself when there are so many possibilities that have nothing to do with you.

What to do about it

If your relationship with your husband is in good shape, it makes sense to ask him if anything is going on that has been making it hard for him to want to have sex. If you guys have been able to talk about difficult things in the past, hopefully you can talk about this one as well.

You can also suggest couples counseling to help you sort through things together, or perhaps individual therapy for him to figure himself out. Again, coming from a supportive and non-blaming place will help you succeed in this endeavor.

Final Thoughts

“Why doesn’t my husband want to have sex with me?”

It’s a painful, depressing, lonely question to ask. And the not knowing makes it that much worse.

Before you let yourself wallow in self-blame, think through the above possibilities. It also makes sense to reach out to a coach or therapist on your own to get a handle on your own feelings and concerns before you try to broach the subject with him, so that you can succeed in a soft, understanding approach without coming off as blaming him either.

Rest assured, this kind of situation can be resolved, whether on your own or with a competent couples counselor. If you’re struggling with the lack of sex in your marriage, feel free to reach out and see how we can help.