My Wife Isn’t Interested in Sex. What Can I Do?

If you’re a man married to a woman who isn’t interested in sex, you probably aren’t too happy about it.

You may also have accepted the cultural narrative that says this is just kind of the way it is in marriage – like the classic (and misplaced) advice to the newly engaged: “Before you get married, put a penny in a jar every time you have sex. After you get married, take a penny out every time you have sex. You’ll never run out of pennies!” Ha ha! 😖

The truth is that married people can have a great sex life – in fact, for couples who work on their relationship in and out of the bedroom, sex usually only gets better as they get older!

The point here is not to make you feel bad. The point is that if your wife isn’t interested in sex but you are, the situation is not hopeless (and doesn’t require you stepping outside your marriage, either).

Let’s consider some of the reasons the might explain why your wife isn't interested in you sexually, and what you can do about it.

Why Isn’t My Wife Interested in Sex?

1. The relationship

One of the most common reasons that married women aren’t so excited about sex is because they aren’t so excited about the relationship. It’s normal for men to get more emotionally connected to their partners through sexual connection, and for women to feel more interested in sexual connection when they feel emotionally connected.

(These are typical dynamics to see in a couple, but it’s also perfectly normal when men do need emotional connection first, or when women don’t.)

If you guys are fighting all the time, she’s unlikely to want to hop into bed with you.

Even if you’re not fighting, but she’s afraid of setting you off (anger problem, anyone?), she’s unlikely to want to hop into bed with you.

And even if there’s no fights and no fear, but you don’t talk much with her, don’t share what’s going on inside your head, don’t ask about her day, etc. – well, you know where this is going.

You may think that sex is a “right” of marriage – but your wife probably doesn’t agree with that. If your relationship isn’t strong, if it’s low on connection and communication, then yeah, you can expect to see that reflected in the bedroom too.

The Fix

Want to turn things around? Grabbing her butt while she’s doing the dishes may not be the best strategy. Nor is nagging or complaining you’re not getting enough or comparing her to your friends’ wives.

Instead, invest in the relationship. Pick up a book on couples communication, or go to a couples counselor together to learn how to make this relationship that fosters intimacy, both emotionally and physically.

Not only will that likely lead to more sex, but you may find that you’ll actually be happier for the improved relationship as well (to say nothing of your wife’s happiness level).

2. Your appearance

You may not think much of your beer belly, but your wife might.

Look, life is busy. Getting to the gym isn’t easy, and our increasingly sedentary lifestyle isn’t doing us any favors.

And while getting older, flabbier, and wrinklier is inevitable, being grossly overweight isn’t. Neither is keeping yourself clean and groomed. Now, there are plenty of older and/or larger people who have very satisfying sex lives. But that doesn’t mean that you can neglect your appearance, grooming, or hygiene, and take married sex for granted.

So, while you shouldn’t get too down on yourself if you’re losing your hair or growing a bit of an inner tube, you also shouldn’t discount your personal care as an important contribution to your physical intimacy.

The Fix

Make sure you have the basics covered: shower regularly. Use deodorant. Brush your teeth.

Check your attire, too – toss out the shredded underwear, and make sure you’ve got clean clothes that don’t reek.

If you’ve been “letting yourself go” with too much pizza, beer, junk food, etc., consider shifting your diet to something a little more healthful, and find yourself some form of exercise that you enjoy so you can shed a few pounds.

Oh, and tell your wife about your plans – not only will she hopefully find it encouraging, but it will keep you accountable too!

3. Your sex life so far

How has sex gone for you guys until now? And by that what I really mean is, how has sex gone for your wife until now?

One of the major reasons people find themselves uninterested in sex is because the sex they’ve been getting hasn’t been worth their interest.

Have you invested in your wife’s needs in bed? Or are you mostly just noticing your own pleasure? This is not to accuse you of being a selfish lover (though if you are, it’s no wonder your wife isn’t interested in your loving) – but perhaps more focus on your wife’s sexual needs is in order here.

Creating a mutually satisfying sex life is a long-term enterprise. It takes time, work, and above all, communication. And if you haven’t gotten that dialed in – and it’s very easy to duck conversations on this very sensitive topic – then you are missing out on opportunities to make significant improvements in your sex life.

There’s a related complaint that many women have lodged about their husbands in this area, namely, that their husbands only offer physical affection when they want sex. It makes getting a hug a bit distasteful when she knows the implication is that you’re hoping to get her into bed.

Physical affection is an important part of the emotional connection between spouses. If that’s become a downer for her, she may be avoiding any kind of physical connection at all.

A last point on this topic: if you’re watching porn regularly and your wife knows it, that may be a massive turn-off for her. It’s hard for women to feel attractive when they know they’re being compared to impossible perfection. (And if you’re watching porn regularly and your wife doesn’t know it, you have a different problem you probably need to address.)

The Fix

Consider whether you might be able to provide a better sexual experience for your wife than you have been. If you’re not sure, ask her! Of course, that’s not an easy conversation to have. Having it with a stranger in the room might not seem particularly inviting, but for sure having a couples counselor guide you through it can be helpful.

You can also suggest up front that you recognize this might be an issue: “Hey, you know, I wonder if maybe our sex life isn’t where it used to be because I wasn’t really giving you what you need. I’d like to try and do more of that so that you’re more excited about this part of our life. Would you be willing to give that a try?”

4. Things that have absolutely nothing to do with you

There are any number of factors your wife might be dealing with that explain why she isn’t very interested in sex.

She might be feeling bad about her own appearance. It can be hard for a woman (or anyone) to get naked in front of someone else when they feel ashamed of how they look. This is a common issue with women as they age (and/or have children) and their body stops looking like it did when they were 20.

She might be struggling with past trauma or abuse (which is sadly all too common) which is making sexual intimacy feel difficult or even scary. This can be true even if you had no problem having sex in the past – something may have come up to trigger the trauma and it’s affecting her now, such as your moving in together, your going from dating to engaged to married, childbirth, or other possible life circumstances.

She might just be generally stressed and overwhelmed, whether it’s with work, with her family, with childrearing, or any number of very normal life experiences. Stress isn’t good for anyone’s libido.

The Fix

Start by using your powers of observation. Is she frazzled? Is she overloaded with housework? Is she “touched out” after having managed the kids all day long?

If so – roll up our sleeves and get in there. Pick up a broom. Wash the dishes. Take the kids out to the park and let your wife nap. I assure you that your wife will appreciate a nap! Can’t promise that will lead to sex, but you’d be surprised how much a little alone time can do for a wife.

When the source of the stress isn’t so obvious, if your relationship is in good shape, asking her if there’s anything that’s getting in the way of your sex life makes sense. With good communication you can sort through this together and work on a way to improve things.

If you aren’t so confident about your communication or the state of your marriage, reach out to a couples counselor to help walk you through it. Yes, it’s awkward to talk about your sex life with a stranger. The alternative might be not having one. Up to you.

Final Thoughts

“Why doesn’t my wife want to have sex with me?”

It’s a frustrating, unpleasant question to have to ask. This is not where you thought you’d be in your marriage.

Getting angry or offended probably won’t get your very far. Neither will nagging, guilting or pouting. (Those might produce short-term results, but are sure to be damaging long-term.)

You don’t have to be stuck with a full jar of pennies for the rest of your life. An ailing sex life is something that can definitely be improved, whether on your own or with a competent couples counselor. If you’re unhappy with the lack of sex in your marriage, feel free to reach out and see how we can help.