Should I Leave My Marriage?

Look. Marriage is hard.

If you’re unhappy in your marriage (or long-term relationship), you’re not alone. And it is very normal for people to ask themselves at some point, “Should I get a divorce? Should I leave my marriage?”

It can be a scary question to ask. Getting divorced is generally no small matter (especially if you have kids). Of course, that doesn’t mean it’s not the right thing to do. How do you decide whether to stay or go?

To help you decide if you marriage is over, we’ve created the Should I Leave My Marriage? quiz. Hopefully it will help you get some clarity about your next steps.

Of course, no online quiz can give you a perfect answer for such a complicated question. So here’s a little more information for you to think through.

Of course, nothing can substitute for talking it out with a qualified professional. (Be careful who you choose to see, though; you really need an objective therapist who won’t push you in one direction or another based on their own biases.

You need someone who will help you find the right answer for YOU, and who will help keep you grounded in reality at the same time.

Can a Bad Marriage Get Better?

The first thing to know is that even a really bad marriage can be turned around and saved.

Many people mistakenly think that problems like bad communication, explosive fights, lack of connection, and no sex are unfixable, that they are signs your marriage is over. But that really is not the case.

Even a really bad marriage can be turned around and saved. But It will take time and effort, but if you are both willing to work at it, change is definitely possible.

Relationship problems like these are resolvable. It will take time and effort, but if you are both willing to work at it, change is definitely possible.

And here is one of the sticking points we need to address: it’s going to take work.

If you are not willing to put in the work, whether because you’re just not that interested in this relationship, or because you think it’s your partner that’s ruining everything and it’s on them to figure it out – then things probably won’t get better. So if that’s where you’re at, and you’re miserable in the relationship, then yes, it might be time to move on.

If Your Partner is Unwilling

It is somewhat similar in the reverse – meaning, if your partner isn’t willing to work on the relationship, that’s also a pretty bad sign, but not quite as definitive as if you’re the one who’s unwilling.

That’s because there’s a range of things you can do unilaterally that have a reasonable chance of improving things.

It’s certainly easier if your partner is willing to work with you. But even if not, it’s worth considering what options you have to make change (again, here’s where talking to a professional can help).

If you’ve tried everything on your own, and you’ve been to a relationship coach or therapist, and nothing has shifted – then here again you may have reached an endpoint if your spouse won’t put any work in.

Couples Counseling

This is a good point to discuss the importance of couples counseling in this discussion.

The critical point here is this: in most cases of marital distress, it is premature to call it quits if you haven’t been to couples counseling.

In most cases of marital distress, it is premature to call it quits if you haven’t been to couples counseling..

I know a lot of people are resistant to the idea, for a variety of reasons. You can check out this post for common objections to doing couples counseling. But if you want to make sure you’ve done everything you could have done before calling it quits, it’s important to make an effort to get to counseling.

It’s not a guarantee that your marriage will survive, but not giving marriage counseling a shot would be like tossing out your laptop and getting a new one without ever calling tech support. (You also can’t turn the marriage off and on again and hope it starts working!)

Couples Counseling Again

For those of you who have already tried couples counseling – we’re not done yet.

I’ve met many couples who have tried counseling before with little success, but were then able to make significant change in our work together.

This is not at all to say that I’m the best couples counselor around (though that might be true 😆). The important point is that there are different types of couples counselors and different types of couples counseling.

Popular modalities of couples counseling include EFT, IBCT, PACT, Gottman, Imago, and more. And what works for one person won’t necessarily work for another. (It’s not that these approaches aren’t effective; it’s just that people vibe with different ideas.)

In addition, therapists are human beings (at least at the time of this writing that is still true; TBD for next year), and you gotta vibe with the human too. Someone might be a great therapist but have a sense of humor that rubs you the wrong way (or have none at all). The first person you try might not be the right one for you.

And then the sad fact is that there all too many lousy therapists out there. (One couple told me they saw a woman who fell asleep during their sessions!) You may have gotten one of those when you tried it out.

All this is to say, even if you’ve tried couples counseling once (or twice!), it is still a very good idea to try it again. It is entirely possible you will have a much better experience.

Even if you’ve tried couples counseling once (or twice!), it is still a very good idea to try it again.

If you haven’t given couples therapy a fair shake, it’s hard to be sure that leaving is the right option. And, conversely, if you give it your all and try a few different therapists, and the marriage is still in poor shape, you will have a lot more confidence about a decision to leave.

What If My Partner Won’t Go to Couples Counseling?

Yeah, that’s a common problem people face. It may help to check out the post mentioned above about common objections to couples counseling; maybe addressing some of these objections will help. Also check out this post on how to get your spouse to go to marriage counseling.

That said, going to a therapist on your own can be helpful in discovering ways you can improve things in your marriage all on your own (yes, there are things you can do that may shift the dynamics even without any buy-in or support from your partner).

And as mentioned above, individual counseling can also provide you with a sounding board and a place to get further clarity on which way you want to go with your relationship.

But We Never Even Fight!

It's worth mentioning that couples counseling is helpful even when there is no specific problem you can point to. Even when there is no fighting, no trust issues, no financial stress - many couples who have been together for a long time start to feel a little distant, disconnected, or like they’re drifting apart.

This too is normal – especially if you haven’t been actively investing continuous effort into this relationship.

That’s not to blame you in any way – most people never got an education on what it takes to maintain a long-term satisfying relationship. Certainly our culture isn’t so supportive of that either!

The feeling that “we just grew apart” is understandable, and also fixable.

If this sounds like your situation and you are considering ending the marriage, again it’s worth exploring through counseling whether you can get the connection back. (If there once was a spark in this relationship, it can probably be there again.)

If there once was a spark in this relationship, it can probably be there again.

Red Flags and Other Serious Issues

Let’s turn now to consider what happens when there are bigger or more acute problems in the marriage besides the relational problems themselves (meaning, poor communication, lack of connection, “drifting apart,” etc.)

Infidelity

Obviously, infidelity is a massive breach in the relationship. Many people end it then and there when they discover their partner has been cheating. Most people say they would.

And yet... most people who are cheated on don’t leave their partner. Funny thing, isn’t it?

Turns out that it’s easy to say from the outside, but when it happens to you... that’s a different story.

So if you were one of those people who was dead sure they’d leave if their partner ever cheated on them, and now you’re finding it not so simple – you’re not alone.

And you don’t have to feel weak, or stupid, or foolish. Walking away from a long-term relationship is quite literally easier said than done.

The critical thing to know here is that you can repair a marriage after infidelity (and often when couples do so the marriage ends up in a far better place than it was previously).

If your partner is remorseful (often they genuinely are), is willing to seek help together, and wants to fix things, it is absolutely possible. (That doesn’t mean you have to go that route; just know that it is a viable one.)

On the other hand, here are some situations where infidelity in the relationship is a bigger problem (not to say that it isn’t a big problem at any level):

• Your partner refuses to end the affair.

• You keep catching your partner cheating, they say they’ll stop, but then it happens again; and they refuse to go to either individual or couples therapy.

• Your partner ends the affair (or at least says they did) but then refuses to deal with the issue, telling you to just move on or forget it, or refusing to discuss it at all.

In all these situations, getting in front of a couples counselor could help, but it’s unlikely that they will agree to do so.

And if that is the case, you are probably looking at a relationship that is not viable in the long run (unless you are willing to accept their cheating – which is honestly up to you. There are plenty of cultures that’s just kind of what’s accepted, and if that’s cool with you, hey, you’re an adult and you can make your own choices).

Walking away from a long-term relationship is quite literally easier said than done.

Domestic Violence

The term “domestic violence” is still in use despite the fact that to most people it means specifically physical violence. Certainly if your partner is physically violent with you on a regular basis, you need to prioritize your safety. (Please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline if this is you.)

That said, if your partner slapped you in the face one time – this is not good; but it doesn’t mean that they’re an perpetrator of domestic violence, or that the relationship can’t be fixed (especially if they’re willing to go to counseling).

The reality is that domestic violence includes a range of abusive behaviors, including emotional abuse, psychological abuse, financial abuse, sexual abuse, and more. (Check out this post to learn more about potential signs of abuse.)

The underlying theme here is a drive for power and control over one’s spouse. And victims will actually tell you that it’s the non-physical abuse that hurts more.

Sometimes it can be difficult to be sure if you’re in an abusive relationship. One common tactic used by abusers is to make you question your own judgment. If you think you are or might be in an abusive relationship, please reach out for help for yourself.

It is possible for abusers to change and stop the abuse. But it is very difficult, and it’s never quick. And virtually the only way that change happens is through a specialized Abuse Intervention Program. (Individual therapy is not a good option for helping abusive partners change.)

More often than not, the best option for a victim of abuse is indeed to leave the relationship.

(This applies to victims who can leave the relationship. Unfortunately, many victims of abuse are trapped in the relationship because their partner has cut them off from friends and family, prevented them from getting a job to support themselves, and otherwise made it impossible for the victim to leave. No judgment on anyone stuck in such a situation. Please find help for yourself.)

More often than not, the best option for a victim of abuse is indeed to leave the relationship.

Addiction

Addiction is another red flag that you need to have your eyes open about, whether we’re talking about alcohol, drugs, gambling, sex, or any other form of addiction (i.e., a destructive behavior that a person can’t stop doing).

Again, it is definitely possible to fix up a marriage when your partner has an addiction problem; however, in this situation it requires your partner to acknowledge their addiction and seek treatment.

Until your partner recognizes they have a problem, it will just keep getting worse (along with your marriage).

And until they agree to seek treatment for their problem, you’re still stuck with it. (Unlike infidelity, choosing to stay with someone who has a serious addiction problem is rarely a viable choice; the consequences are usually not livable.)

If you are thinking about leaving because your spouse has an addiction they won’t acknowledge or treat, you are probably on the right track.

That said, if your partner is willing to acknowledge and get treatment for their addiction, then there is hope for improvement. Even then, though, be aware that it’s going to be a bumpy ride.

If you are thinking about leaving because your spouse has an addiction they won’t acknowledge or treat, you are probably on the right track. 

The journey out of addiction is almost never a straight line. It can be extremely difficult on both of you. Relapses are an expected part of the process. And there may or may not ever be a final end to the struggle.

If you love your partner and are willing to stand by them through that, that is absolutely your choice to make; just be aware of what you’re choosing. (Also, consider getting yourself into a spouses-of group for partners of people facing the kind of addiction your partner has.)

But if you can’t see yourself going through this kind of long-term process, leaving might be the right decision for you.

Personality Disorders

This issue is a bit tricky because, unless you are a mental health professional, you aren’t trained to recognize what is normal-but-difficult behavior and what is a disorder. Especially with social media overflowing with pop psychology advice, it is easy to misjudge a situation.

Narcissism, for example, is a popular buzzword these days. And there is indeed a mental health diagnosis called Narcissistic Personality Disorder. But just because your partner is kind of selfish or made a jerk comment last night doesn’t mean they have it.

At any rate, diagnosing that one probably doesn’t help you all that much. If you go to counseling together and your partner insists even there that they are always right and that you are an idiot, the counselor will probably catch that, and the counseling will probably fail anyway.

And that’s if they agree to go to counseling! Having a formal diagnosis won’t change much.

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is a more relevant diagnostic concern because it can be so hard to live with and so hard to pinpoint. If your partner has been diagnosed with BPD, then you have to know that it’s going to be a difficult relationship.

Many people choose to stay in such relationships, but it would be unwise to harbor a hope that things will change radically. Getting individual coaching and/or reading books on living with a BPD spouse is critical to making it through.

This is all true even if your partner hasn’t been formally diagnosed (which is likely, since folks with borderline personality disorder are often extremely resistant to going to therapy). Reading up on the disorder might help you get a sense of whether this is your situation.

This is part of why personality disorders are challenging to deal with – they’re not always easy to diagnose with certainty. And you may not get the opportunity to try to get a formal diagnosis!

That said, please don’t blindly accept your friend’s contentions that your spouse is mentally ill; even your therapist shouldn’t be diagnosing your partner without meeting and assessing them directly.

Deciding Whether to Leave a Marriage – When You Have Kids Together

Until now we’ve kind of been avoiding the elephant in the room – what if you have kids together?

When you have kids together, splitting becomes exponentially more complicated. (I am referring here to the case where the kids are not adults yet, although even then it’s still harder to split up than when there are no kids at all.)

You have to factor in how a divorce will impact the kids, along with your very conflicted feelings about that. Then you have to factor in the practicals of coparenting and all that goes into raising children. Plus there is extended family on either side that has a stake in things... in short, it can be pretty messy.

I want to make clear the following important point up front: kids can survive the divorce of their parents and be just fine. Divorced parents who are respectful to each other and cooperate well are much better parents than those who remain married and are always fighting or, even if not, just plain miserable.

Kids can survive the divorce of their parents and be just fine.

So is it worth staying together for the sake of the kids? Maybe.

A happy, two-parent home is certainly the ideal situation for children in most situations. (Enter the importance of couples counseling again.) It is not easy, practically or emotionally, to get divorced when you have little kids to raise.

It’s also worth noting some significant aspects of post-divorce life, namely:

• Single parenting is very, very hard.

• Financial stress after divorce can be significant.

• You are probably stuck with your (ex-)partner in your life for many years to come – possibly forever – as coparents.

Again, this does not mean that leaving your partner is for sure the wrong decision. But when you have kids, it does make sense to put a good deal more effort (and time, and money) into potential solutions.

At the end of the day, if you cannot make your marriage a happy one, then staying together for the sake of the kids is probably not in anyone’s interest.

Red Flags + Kids

Moreover, some of the red flags we mentioned above – i.e., abuse, untreated addiction, some personality disorders – may well make your children’s lives worse for being around it, and that would push the scale down more in favor of leaving.

It’s not safe for kids to be around someone with an active addiction, physically or emotionally. With personality-disordered parents, the danger is generally more of the emotional kind.

Abusive partners are often abusive parents as well – but not always. Some people can perform very well as a parent but be disastrously abusive as a spouse. But here is a critical point to understand: an abusive partner is inherently a bad parent.

Your spouse may do great at taking Charlie to lacrosse practice, bathing the twins, or feeding the baby, but someone who cuts you down (in front of the kids, no less), undermines you at every turn, and destroys the children’s respect for you, their other parent, is harming the children. 

So if you are thinking that swallowing the abuse because “the kids need a father” is in the kids’ best interest – it is very likely not.

At the end of the day, if you cannot make your marriage a happy one, then staying together for the sake of the kids is probably not in anyone’s interest.

(Note that infidelity isn’t on the list of red flags that harm the kids. No matter how much you’re hurting over your spouse’s infidelity – and I’m sure it’s a lot – in most cases that is a problem between you and your partner, and you should handle it as such. It is rarely if ever beneficial for your children to disclose your partner’s infidelity to them.)

The bottom line is that having children with your partner makes the decision whether to leave or not that much more difficult, and the value of trying to make it work - where appropriate - that much greater.

Well – Should I Stay or Should I Go?

If you’ve gotten this far, you probably recognize that, in most cases, there simply isn’t an easy answer to the question of whether to stay in a marriage. And if you’ve tried the quiz, you may still have gotten answer that isn’t as definitive as you’d like.

Except in pretty extreme cases (some of which have been detailed above), life just isn’t that clear-cut.

It is often helpful, if not indispensable, to speak to a coach or therapist who can help you think this through. (By the way – even then it’s ultimately going to be up to you. No competent therapist is going to tell you, “I think you should leave him” except in cases where you or your children are at risk.)

I’m sorry for the difficult crossroads you find yourself at. Be in touch if we can help you sort through this.

Not sure where you stand?

Take our quiz to find out if it’s time to leave your relationship.