Reddit Marriage Counseling

They say that more and more searches are getting the word “reddit” tacked onto them, so that people can get answers to their questions from other real people out there, as opposed to curated or “fake” answers, or info from the latest AI bot. So I figured I’d look into my own specialty and google “reddit marriage counseling” to see what comes up.

It’s not as bad as I was expecting. But it’s not great either.

There’s lots of questionable advice out there from people who mean well (as well as from people who don’t really), and some good gems among the junk.

Let’s take a look at the pros and cons of getting marriage advice on reddit:

Pros

1. You can talk to other humans who have been through what you’re going through.

Getting moral support and guidance from people who have been there done that can be both helpful and relieving. Peer support is a huge factor in making it through a wide range of challenges.

So it can feel really affirming to hear that others have been down this road – i.e., that you’re normal, and that this is something a lot of people go through. (Many people feel embarrassed to tell their friends that they’re having marital issues.)

That’s something you can’t get as palpably from speaking to a professional on your own.

2. You can get multiple points of view quickly.

Trying to get professional advice is admittedly challenging sometimes. I have heard far too many callers say I’m the first therapist who picked up the phone, or who returned their call. (This makes me sad. Like this: ☹)

And then trying to find a marriage counselor who takes your insurance or is in your price range is another headache!

Once you do find a counselor, you have to try them out and see how you like them. It’s normal to have to try a few people before you find one you like (and too often people try a counselor who turns out to be lousy then give up on the whole process after one attempt).

It’s nice to be able to type something into reddit and get a variety of answers quickly.

3. It’s free!

There’s no denying that marriage counseling has a cost to it. It’s probably not that much if you’re going through insurance; but that’s still more than reddit!

(Note that if you’ve been holding off on marriage counseling because of the price tag, I think it’s work pointing out that divorce lawyers cost a whole lot more.)

Of course, there’s always the concern of “you get what you pay for.” A lot of the advice people post on reddit is indeed worth nothing. But sometimes you do score a good deal! (Trouble is, it’s hard to know which comments are a “good deal” and which are in fact just junk... 😬)

Cons

The above points are valid. But to my mind they really don’t outweigh the serious cons to using reddit for your marriage troubles. Granted, I’m a marriage counselor, so you might think I’m biased. But perhaps I also have a clearer view on what’s helping people’s marriages and what is not. 🤔

Let’s check out the drawbacks of reddit:

1. You do not want advice from a layman on issues that require specialized knowledge.

You might think that marriage is just a matter of common sense. There is some truth to that. But there is also a lot to know about making marriage work that is not common sense. In fact, there’s a good deal of research out there now about what does and doesn’t work for keeping marriages together.

If you have to get some kind of surgery, you probably want to get information about your options from a doctor and not from someone who read about it online – or even someone who went through the same surgery. Their situation may not be the same as yours. (There’s a reason there are so many different drugs out there for any given medical issue – what works well for me might not work well for you!)

Note also that being in a happy marriage does not mean you are qualified to help others with their marriages, any more than being happy at your job makes you a career counselor.  Marriage counselors don’t help couples based only on what works for them; they have knowledge and training in what actually helps people. Most folks on reddit don’t.

2. A lot of people on there are not just uninformed, they are misinformed.

It’s not just that your average citizen of the internet is lacking information that specialists have; it’s that they sometimes have it completely backwards.

Here’s one frightening example I’ve seen online: the idea that relationships shouldn’t take work. This is definitely, absolutely, really not true. Good relationships take work, just like anything else meaningful in your life.

If a relationship was supposed to be perfectly easy once you found “The One,” I guess it would just be the luck of the draw whether you ever got to experience marital happiness. There is no evidence for that point of view, and there is plenty of evidence that working on a marriage makes it better.

Other myths and misconceptions abound on reddit. (Try searching "does couples therapy work reddit" and you'll see what I mean.)

Lots of people can talk a good game, but that doesn’t mean what they’re saying actually works!

I would not recommend to anyone to seek advice in a forum where some people are feeding you poison.

3. A lot of people posting on relationship reddits are bitter about what happened to them and give very biased advice.

So many of the responses to relationship questions on reddit start with something like, “That same thing happened to me and...” then proceed with a very pessimistic outlook on the situation born out of what is very openly their bitterness about their own situation.

Look, there are plenty of people who try marriage counseling and things still don’t work out. And there are plenty of people who are lousy at relationships and ruin any relationship they’re in regardless. That doesn’t say much about what you should do in your relationship.

But the bitter people tend to be vocal online. They’ll tell you why your situation is hopeless, why you’re a dope if you stay, why you should “just leave that lowlife/cheater/[bad word]/etc.” They are really speaking about their own experience. And, as we noted above, their experience is guaranteed to be different from yours.

4. Solutions are easy to come by when you’re on the outside.

Say you’re in a bit of a pickle in your marriage. You want to figure out what you should do. Well, the internet is full of answers – mostly simplistic, superficial ones.

As we pointed out, if there’s a snag in your marriage, you are likely to get a lot of “just leave now” type of advice. You’ll also get a lot of pointers that sound like “just do this.”

I gotta tell you something. It’s never that simple.

People are complicated. Relationships are complicated. I work with couples day in and day out, and it is very rare that all that’s needed to make things wonderful is one small tweak.

But when you’re standing on the outside looking in, it’s very easy to presume things and spit out an easy-peasy solution. And it may be very tempting for you to go along with them because hey, who doesn’t want an easy-peasy solution?

But it probably won’t actually help you all that much. Like we said earlier, relationships take work. You won’t find any silver bullets that will instantly put everything right.

5. You’re going to get a lot of strong opinions.

People will encourage you to punish your spouse, to give them what’s coming to them, to get up and leave, to react strongly. Or they’ll tell you you should get even (and provide ideas on how to do so). Or they’ll tell you to refuse sex until your partner “owns up” or “takes accountability.”

And then they will blame and shame you if that’s not want you wanted to do.

You’ll face pressure, put-downs, accusations, and other unpleasant responses if your actions don’t measure up to the standards of the online mob. I’ve seen this kind of thing happen. It’s very sad for the person who was genuinely looking for ideas to help with their marriage, not suggestions to get out of it (or to retaliate, or otherwise make things worse.)

You’re looking for help. This is not helpful.

Is Reddit Marriage Counseling Worth It?

I don’t deny that there are some benefits to seeking marital help on reddit. We discussed those above. But honestly, the risks and drawbacks really don’t seem worth it. I’ve seen a lot of marital pain. I very much want to help people through it in a way that will make things better.

I don’t know how many marriages have been saved or improved by reddit advice. By the looks of what I’ve seen in the comments, I’d be willing to bet that a lot more have been harmed.

If you need help with your marriage, I think you’re better off seeking out someone who knows how to help – not people who are as likely as not to make things worse.