Parent Speak vs. Child Speak: Why Kids Don’t Hear You

Have you ever told your child, "Time to put your shoes on", then checked on them 5 minutes later only to find they haven't moved from their Lego pile in the living room?

Or maybe you've said, "It's time to leave the playground," and gotten a huge reaction that turned into a power struggle.

I'm gonna let you in on a secret: When parents and kids clash, the breakdown often happens because you're not speaking the same language.

Parents tend to take what their child says at face value, but the words your kiddo says aren't always a good indication of what your child really means.

Children don’t have the same cognitive or emotional resources adults do. They grab whatever words they can to express what they’re feeling, experiencing, or trying to accomplish. That means we don't necessarily get the full picture.

For parents, when communication doesn’t land, it feels frustrating. It can seem like you’re running into a brick wall over and over again.

You probably feel unheard, disrespected, annoyed, exhausted (likely all of the above in varying amounts). You might even start to believe that your child is refusing to listen.

I'm here to tell you what's really happening: they’re speaking a different dialect of the same language.

That’s the rift: Parent Speak vs. Child Speak.

 

Parent Speak vs. Child Speak

Parent Speak usually sounds like: Go get your shoes. Wash your hands. Brush your teeth. Put your toys away. It’s instruction after instruction, with very little room for play or connection. The roles become locked in: instruction-giver and instruction-follower.

Child Speak, on the other hand, is chaotic, fluid, exploratory. It’s investigation, discovery, and interest, tangled with big feelings and limited vocabulary. The way children speak sounds like someone learning a new language -- because that's exactly what is happening.

Not only are children brand new to whatever language they're speaking, but they're also new to using it to label their self-expression. They may not be able to identify and label, I’m tired, but they can yell at you and run around the house.

If we want to speak the same language as our little ones, then our job isn’t to take that yelling and running around at face value. It's to get curious and look beneath the behavior, find the root cause, and help them bridge the gap between feeling and action.

 

Bridging the Gap

I'm not going to pretend this is an easy process to learn. We are talking about an entirely new way of interacting with your child, and to get to that stage, you'll need to work on overwriting some pre-existing commands in your Parent Code.

The first step is to slow down. That's it. Pause.

Pause.

If you stop your reaction, you'll have time to choose your response.

Then you have space for the curiosity. Try to look past the outer shell of your little jam-and-cookie-crumbs-covered goblin who is probably running around half-naked, and look at your whole child.

See the whole human being — complex, layered, and still learning. Ask yourself: What is my child actually trying to tell me beneath this behavior?

The possible answers are endless, but in my experience (ahem... 24 and counting...), they're usually some variation of "I haven't had enough autonomy today" or "I don't know how to deal with the feelings in my body" or "I don't feel heard."

 

From Drill Sergeant to Teammate

Once you've taken that pause and looked at your whole child, the next biggest mindset shift is moving from I must make my child behave a certain way to what does my child need from me?

Daily life is hectic — school, meals, homework, errands, pets, work — and parents are tasked with keeping all these elements working. On time. While maintaining some kind of work-life balance.

Insert a raised eyebrow here

What often ends up happening is that parents slip into the role of drill sergeant. It’s not intentional, but it happens when we’re focused on efficiency (or you know, just getting the freaking shoes on the toddler).

The antidote is connection.

You will have so much more success as your child's teammate (not friend – teammate!) than as their commander.

And here’s a huge bonus: you will actually have more authority when you let go of the drill sergeant role. A child who feels controlled will probably offer you some heavy resistance, and those power struggle cycles will only get worse each time.

But a child who feels heard, seen, and trusted, is going to trust you right back. That foundation of trust is what gives you lasting influence — far more than constant orders could ever provide.

 

Practical Strategies

One of my favorite ways to step out of the drill sergeant role and into the authoritative teammate role is to shift instructions into questions. Instead of saying, “Time to put your shoes on,” try: “How much time do you need to put your shoes on?” or “Do you know what it’s time to do right now?”

The key is to look at what your child is developmentally ready for, and what systems you’ve already set up.

If your child only knows what to do because you tell them every time, you’ll always be stuck giving orders. But if you build routines and systems that let them anticipate what comes next, you’re teaching autonomy — and freeing yourself from the endless cycle of commands.

Think about the daily patterns that repeat: leaving the house, mealtimes, bedtime. These are the moments that feel most chaotic and time-sensitive, and also the ones where parents get stuck in command mode. Instead, build systems where everyone has a role.

For example: “When the bell rings, it’s time to set the table — what’s your job today?” Or: “We have to leave in five minutes. Would you like me to help with your shoes, or do you want to do it yourself?”

These simple shifts let kids take ownership, and they transform you from the overseer into a trusted teammate and guide.

 

Closing Thoughts

At the end of the day, I think what most parents really want is a relationship with their child that feels rooted in trust. The kind that has an easy ebb and flow.

I think that's what we all dream about when we imagine having kids. Without the skills to reach it, however, daily life with littles can get pretty frustrating and stressful. 

Learning to speak the same language as your child is the bridge to that dream. Once you make the shift, it becomes the new normal: less stress, more connection, fewer power struggles, and a lasting relationship built on safety and trust.

It is worth every ounce of effort you put into it.

Emry Kettle is a child behavior expert and parent support specialist. Their work is trauma informed, neuro-affirming, and rooted in evidence-based methods that prioritize connection over conflict. You can learn more about Emry’s work (including their podcast, Parenting for Thought) at emrykettle.com.

Also check out the Parent Collective — a space for parents who want to connect, grow, and raise kids with love and respect.