My Boyfriend Relapsed Should I Leave?

If you’re in a relationship with someone in recovery, you know how hard that can be. Breaking out of a lifestyle that includes drugs is not easy – not for the former addict and not for their partner. Is this a relationship that can work for you? Or if your boyfriend relapsed does that mean it’s time to leave?

Here’s how you can know it’s time to go:

He’s not making serious efforts to address his addiction

Breaking free from addiction takes a lot of work and a lot of patience. Just saying “I’m going to stop taking drugs” is rarely enough to make it happen.

Serious efforts to change mean getting some kind of help to get there – whether it’s a 12-step group, an recovery therapist in Baltimore, or any kind of outside support. If he keeps relapsing and isn’t taking any action to make things different, you can expect things to stay this way for a while. And if the way they are isn’t working for you, it might be time to leave.

He is abusive (physically or emotionally)

If violence is a part of your relationship, or if your boyfriend is consistently screaming at you, putting you down, and making you miserable, you may be in an abusive relationship. And this has nothing to do with his substance abuse problem.

Abuse is relationships is not caused by drugs or alcohol, by mental illness, or by anger problems. There are many people who struggle with these but are not abusive to their partners.

Don’t make excuses for your boyfriend because of his drug problem. If you are being abused, don’t accept that kind of treatment and seek help for yourself.

He blames you for his problem

You may not be the perfect girlfriend or wife – nobody is. But that doesn’t mean that his addiction or his relapse is your fault. People in recovery have to take responsibility for their own problem if they are ever going to get rid of it.

Turning the blame around onto you is another subtle form of abuse. If your boyfriend makes it your fault whenever he relapses, that’s generally a good indication that his drug problem is not going away any time soon.

As you can see, some attitudes and situations don’t bode well for the future. But that doesn’t mean that every relapse is a reason to run away. Here are some situations that don’t necessarily indicate that this can’t get better:

He lies to you about his drug use

This is not a good thing – but it’s also pretty common for people struggling with addiction. They may feel unable to stay away from drugs or alcohol and in order to get it they have to lie to you about where they are or what they’re doing. It’s a normal, if unfortunate, symptom of addiction.

He may also feel a lot of shame about relapsing and try to hide it from you for that reason. Nonetheless, if he is really trying to get out of addiction – working, as we noted above, with a professional or a group or some program to actually succeed at this – then a relapse, even with lying as part of the package, is not necessarily a reason to cut and run.

It’s not his first relapse

Multiple relapses are also a normal part of addiction recovery. If he’s getting the help he needs, then a relapse is a setback but not the end of the road.

On the other hand, if his process has just been back and forth start-and-stop for years without a clear plan for doing something different, it’s likely that the same pattern will continue until he does get some additional help.

The Bottom Line – Should you leave your boyfriend after a relapse?

There’s no one answer to this question, but the bottom line is that a relapse in itself does not mean that your relationship cannot succeed or that he cannot ever beat his addiction. It depends on other factors as well.

If you need help with this relationship, we can provide couples counseling in Baltimore for couples in recovery. And if one of you is struggling to stay clean, we’ll help with addiction recovery in Baltimore.

Professional help is one of the best things you can do for yourself if an addiction has impacted you or your relationship.

FAQs

Q: My partner relapsed – should I leave?

A: Not necessarily - relapse is a normal part of addiction recovery. The real question is whether they are doing appropriate work to overcome their addiction or if this is just going to be the same back-and-forth pattern forever.

Q: How do you know if your partner can overcome their addiction?

A: The truth is you can't know for sure. But you can be pretty confident that if they aren't getting any kind of help to overcome addiction, they're going to be stuck with it for a very long time.

Q: Do people ever get over a drug or alcohol addiction?

A: Absolutely! Many people in recovery are living perfectly happy and successful lives. It just takes work to get there, that's all.

Q: My boyfriend relapsed what should I do?

A: You don't necessarily need to do anything. If he's serious about getting back up and trying again, offer your love and support. But don't pressure him about it - you can't control his addiction and you can't cure it. Make sure that you have appropriate support for yourself going through this.