How to Deal with Toxic Parents

Dealing with toxic parents is nobody’s vision for a life that is happy or peaceful. Unfortunately, people struggling with this situation usually didn’t have a choice in the matter.

If you’re in this boat, you may be exhausted and exasperated at this point trying to figure out what to do when your parents are toxic. And, as you have likely discovered, there is no quick and easy answer. 

(There’s always the option to simply go no-contact with your parents, although you may not want to go that route for any number of valid reasons; so in this post we’ll just take a look at handling toxic parents when you are choosing to stay in contact for the time being.)

Let’s go through some broad principles on how to deal with your difficult parents in adulthood. Fine-tuning these ideas to fit into your own personal situation will take some further thought (and perhaps consultation with an individual or family therapist).

1. Work on your own self-esteem

Toxic parents often affect us so severely because we aren’t strong enough in our own selves to be able to stand up to their negative messaging.

Ironically, this is in no small part because the way they raised us did not breed much in the way of self-esteem. (Adult children of narcissists know this well.)

Learning to believe in yourself is a critical part of succeeding at the very challenging job of dealing with toxic parents. It makes sense to struggle, to question, to have doubts about whether you are responding appropriately and respectfully. (It is both wise and appropriate to behave with respect even if you feel you aren’t getting any in return!)

Ultimately, you will need to make decisions about what you are going to say and do, when and if you are going to see them, what boundaries you are going to set (see below), etc. Those choices won’t feel right, and are unlikely to last, if you are forever second-guessing yourself.

You Can Make Your Own Decisions

In order to get anywhere in this difficult situation, you need to believe that you have the right to make decisions for yourself and that you are capable of making decent ones. If that confidence isn’t in place – not perfect certainty, mind you, but a reasonable confidence – then achieving any measure of peace and acceptance is going to be hard to pull off.

If you constantly feel guilty about how to deal with your toxic mother and/or father; if you often make a decision but then overthink it at length, or give in to pressure to change your mind; if you know what you want to have happen but can’t bring yourself to do it – these are all signs that you should do some personal work to increase your confidence and self-esteem.

To do that, find an individual therapist or life coach who can help you make a change in the negative self-talk that floats around in your brain. (There are also lots of good books on self-esteem out there, but for many people a book isn’t quite enough to make a change in a deep-seated pattern like this.)

2. Set boundaries and stick to them

Once you believe in your right and your ability to protect yourself, you can make boundaries that will allow you the space and freedom you need to function and thrive.

Only you can determine what the right boundaries are for you (although of course consulting with your therapist/coach or others you trust is perfectly legitimate).

Your parents can’t tell you how much of them you can stand. Your siblings shouldn’t be guilting you into doing things you can’t tolerate. It needs to come from you and fit for you.

Mind you, this does not mean it is a good idea to do whatever feels good and to heck with everyone else. You can’t really “survive and thrive” if you’re the kind of person who doesn’t care much about anyone besides yourself. Self-esteem doesn’t mean nobody-else-esteem!

So, think through what lines you need to draw. If you put real thought into it, you can feel good about the decisions you make and will be able to stick to your boundaries even when others aren’t so happy with them.

What boundaries do I need to set with my toxic parents?

The boundaries you need to set will depend a lot on your personal circumstances. But here are some points to consider:

• How much time do you want to spend with them?

• Do you want to see them regularly for short visits? Are longer vacations together possible for you?

• How much do you want to talk to them?

• If being around them is too difficult, are phone calls more manageable? Or are they hard on you even in brief how-are-you calls?

• What information will you share with them?

• Can you discuss aspects of your personal life, such as your finances, your marriage/dating life, your personal struggles? Or is it only safe to share the superficial parts of your life?

• Will you accept money from them?

• What is your level of financial need, and what kind of strings will be attached to such offers?

Consider your various interactions with them and see what limitations will help with your peace of mind.

3. Stop trying to make them change

It is so tempting to try to reason with your parents, discuss, explain, debate, etc., and try to get them to stop doing the things they do that drive you crazy and that hurt so much.

Stop.

It’s not going to work. They have been doing things one way for decades. If they are going to change – and this is not something to hold your breath waiting for – it’s going to come from them (just as your own resolve had to come from you). And that may come from facing a situation they don’t like (such as reduced time with you or your children).

Or it may not.

Don’t wait up for it. You’ve set your own boundaries – now live by them and move on from trying to get your parents to stop pushing against them, or to do things differently from how they’ve always done.

You may have to spend some time and emotional energy grieving the loss of the relationships you wanted and the family you hoped you would have. Acting as if there’s something you can do to make your parents be different is a huge energy suck and will only drive you crazy.

Toxic Parents Won’t Understand

Don’t expect them to come around to understanding your point of view either. They may never accept or even understand why you decided to limit vacation time with them, take back your house keys, or refuse their gifts. 

It would be nice if they did – and hey, it’s not impossible that one day they will – but you can live your best life even if they don’t. And it’s not worth waiting for it. (This does not mean it’s not worth working towards a good relationship with difficult parents; I am speaking here to people who have already put a lot of effort into that and are now at the point of limiting that relationship.)

Again, making sure you’re confident in yourself and in your decisions will be vital here, because you can bet they will question you and express their doubts, not to mention anger, confusion, hurt, etc. 

But your parents’ failure to understand your choices doesn’t matter here; it’s your understanding that matters.

(It is worth repeating that I am not suggesting that your parents’ feelings and well-being don’t need to be considered. You should be as caring and respectful to them as you can muster. But you don’t need to sacrifice your life to parents who can’t support it.)

4. Get support

Dealing with toxic parents can be crazymaking (literally). It’s super important for you to have someone outside your own head to talk to. 

Overthinking, ruminating, and second-guessing are common side-effects of dealing with toxic parents. Having a companion to make sure you’re seeing and thinking clearly is invaluable.

Who that can be for you depends, of course, on who the options in your life are. Siblings can be great for this because they’re usually in the same boat as you. However, this is not always the case: they may have a different experience of your parents (not uncommon, especially if one of you is the oldest).

A sibling might also be under so much stress from your parents (or other parts of their lives) that they can’t really be a shoulder for you to lean on. So you need to consider whether your siblings can fill this role for you before roping them into it.

Your partner is also a good choice, but again, not always. If you are not married/living together, your partner probably has enough distance from the family dynamics to be objective and supportive. 

But the more ingrained they are in the family system, the less they can stand apart from it and be 100% there for you, because not only are they mixed in, but, like with siblings, they may be grappling with their own negative experience with your parents.

Friends are great supporters too, but you have to be careful that you don’t overburden them. If all they ever hear from you when you hang out or talk is how bad your parents have been, they may get burned out sooner or later. (If you have a real bestie you’ve known since childhood and you are really that close, you may have a great candidate there!)

Finally, of course, a therapist or coach is a reliable option as well, and not at all a bad idea even if you do have a sibling/partner/friend there for you. When you’re talking to a therapist/coach, their job is to be objective and supportive. So while it’s a different relationship than someone who is naturally part of your life, their support can be truly invaluable.

How to Deal with Toxic Parents? No Easy Answer.

At the end of the day, please prepare yourself for a long haul. Unless you are cutting off your toxic parents entirely (and this is by no means an easy decision), this is going to be a bumpy ride. 

Make sure you are mentally and emotionally in a good place, make the best decisions you can, and adjust as needed. Do what you need to do without expecting much in return. And get the support you need to make it through.

You got this!

Frequently Asked Questions

How to deal with toxic parents?

Set boundaries, prioritize self-care, and seek therapy for emotional support. Avoid engaging in toxic behaviors and focus on healing.

How to deal with toxic parents as adults?

As an adult, practice clear communication, establish boundaries, and seek professional therapy to navigate difficult family dynamics

How to deal with toxic parents as a teenager?

Seek support from trusted adults or counselors, establish healthy boundaries, and avoid taking responsibility for your parents' behavior.

How to deal with toxic parents as a child?

Reach out for support from teachers, school counselors, or trusted adults, and focus on building emotional resilience.

How to deal with a dysfunctional family?

Seek professional therapy to understand family dynamics, create boundaries, and build a support system to navigate the challenges.

Why does my mom hate me?

It may feel that way due to unhealthy communication patterns. Seek therapy to understand the root cause and improve family dynamics.