25 Relationship Check-In Questions Every Couple Should Ask

Want to get ahead of relationship problems before they creep up on you?

Check-in questions are a great way to spur conversations between you and your partner that will help you keep your relationship well-oiled and in top condition.

Just like with your car, if you do regular oil changes, it’s going to run much more smoothly and last longer. If you skip them, things are likely to break down much more quickly!

Here’s a list of questions you can ask each other to take a look under the hood and make sure your relationship is good to go.

Questions about communication

• What are we doing well in our communication? It’s always a good idea to start by paying attention to things that are going right. If all you focus on is your mistakes and your weaknesses, you’re going to start feeling defeated pretty quickly.

• Do you feel like you can talk to me about anything? The ideal is certainly that all topics are fair game for communication. Being able to talk openly about anything is an essential part of building healthy habits of communication.

• Are there any communication patterns between us that you’re concerned about? Examining your process and getting a sense of what could be improved is a win for everyone!

• Are there topics you wish we talked about more? It’s normal for couples to avoid the really tough subjects – money, sex, in-laws – are these topics you need to address in your relationship?

• How can we make sure to keep up regular communication? Do you need to block off time for each other? Do you need more mutual reassurance that you both value communicating about difficult topics? What would help make communication a regular part of your relationship?

Questions about conflict and unresolved tension

• What is our biggest friction point – and what can we do to address that? Many couples have an issue (or a few of them) that keeps popping back up. Is there a big issue you wish you could strategize a better approach to?

• Are there any issues you’ve been wanting to talk about? It’s very possible that you or your partner has something on their mind that you haven’t felt comfortable bringing up. Making a safe space to do that can open up an important conversation.

• Have I done anything recently that bothered you that we never got around to discussing? You don’t want your partner walking around with a chip on their shoulder – inviting them to share it with you can help put it to rest.

• Is there anything you’re worried might become a conflict in the future? Maybe it’s something you never considered, but it’s on their mind. Only one way to find out (and it’s not “ask chatGPT”)!

• What do you think would help reduce tension between us more? Do you need to set up regular conversation times? More physical affection? Or maybe just work on cutting each other a little more slack?

Questions about emotional connection

• How do you feel about our emotional connection? Let’s get a read on where you each feel things stand.

• What’s one time where you felt really emotionally connected to me? Again, let’s find out what’s working – and then do more of that!

• How do you feel about our physical connection? Emotional connection is reflected in physical connection too – your sex life is a part of that, but so is the quality of non-sexual touch in your relationship.

• Do you get enough attention and affection from me? If not, where can you add more of that into your life together?

• What is one thing we could do to boost our emotional connection? Brainstorming together – and looking back at the things that have worked in the past – can provide some ideas about how to keep the connection alive. In fact, just talking about it will help with that as well!

Questions about needs and support

• What needs of yours are being met really well in this relationship? Like we said, start with success and build from there!

• Are there any needs you feel aren’t being met for you in this relationship? What’s not working is also important to know, once you’ve already started with the good news.

• Do you ever feel overburdened by trying to meet my needs? While it’s great to get your needs met, you don’t want your partner burning themselves out trying to pull that off.

• Which of your needs have changed over the course of our relationship? Even when you’ve done a good job communicating and connecting emotionally – people change and evolve over time. Updating your records helps you stay in tune.

• How can I be a more supportive partner for you? If you want your partner to be doing more of one thing or less of another, it helps a lot to tell them straight up!

Bring these conversations into couples therapy

Whether your relationship is in a great place or a not-so-great place, getting the insight and guidance of a professional on having these conversations and pointing things in the right direction can be invaluable.

 You definitely don’t need to wait until the relationship is facing trouble – if you take care of your relationship proactively, you’ll have a much better shot at keeping it in good working order for the long term.

(Also, don’t forget to take your car for an oil change. 👍🏻)

FAQs

What questions should you ask in a relationship check-in?

Ask questions about communication, emotional connection, and any lingering resentments to keep your relationship running smoothly.

How often should couples do a relationship check-in?

It’s great to sit down together weekly even for 5 or 10 minutes to check in. But making time for deeper conversations might be something you do once a month or less.

What if relationship check-in questions turn into an argument?

When things get hot, take a break and come back to them later. Seek professional help from a couples counselor if you need guidance!

What is the #1 killer of a relationship?

Relationships fail most often not because of any specific issue but because of the way couples talk about those issues. Learning how to communicate about them well is critical.

When should couples bring these conversations into therapy?

If couples struggle to get through a conversation without things going sideways, bringing them into couples therapy is a great way to change that pattern.