How Can I Trust My Partner's Apology When They'd Still be Cheating If I Hadn't Caught Them?

For people who discovered that their spouse was cheating on them, the variations on the hurt and the uncertainty are endless. Of course, you probably feel devastated, betrayed, shocked, and all kinds of very big, very difficult emotions. 

In this post I want to look specifically at the doubt and discomfort that come from a common question people have when they discover their partner’s affair, namely: How can I trust that my spouse really wants to fix our marriage when the only reason the affair ended was because I found them out?

The Dilemma of the Betrayed Partner 

Statistically speaking, it is the minority of affairs that come to light by the involved partner revealing it on their own initiative. Most affairs that become known do so because they are discovered by the deceived spouse. And this naturally leads them to question how real their partner really is - after all, if you hadn’t found out about it, it is probably true that they would still be carrying on with the affair.

So now you are faced with a confusing dilemma: on one hand, your spouse does seem remorseful; on the other hand, it seems like they would still be cheating on you (perhaps quite happily) if you hadn't caught them – so how sorry can they be? 

(Note: if you caught your spouse cheating and they aren’t remorseful, the information in this post probably won’t be of much help to you.)

I want to try to give you a picture of what is going on in your spouse’s mind so you can try to wrap your head around this. I have worked with many couples dealing with infidelity, and in situations like this, the involved partners inevitably confirm this explanation that I provide to their hurting spouse.

What’s Going on in Your Partner’s Head

Have you ever done something stupid?

You don’t need to answer that. Of course you have. We all have.  We’ve all done things that we look back on and say to ourselves, “What was I thinking?”

Oh, and then often we go and do the same thing again. Right?

To be clear, I’m not trying to equate the time you scarfed down too many cookies with your spouse’s affair. That’s obviously not on the same level. But that’s not the point here.

The point I am making is that you surely know the feeling of being in the moment and being totally okay with what’s happening, only to feel very differently not too much later.

That’s kind of the dynamic that your spouse has been experiencing. 

I am not justifying it. I am not saying it’s okay. I am just saying that it is on some level understandable (as in, you can understand how they were thinking, not understandable as in no big deal).

“But It’s Still Different!”

You might argue that it’s different when your spouse has been engaged in an affair over a long period of time. Shouldn’t they have snapped out of it at some point?

What I am telling you is that it’s entirely possible they did not. 

It’s likely they had moments of regret. Perhaps they even at times decided to end things. But for whatever reasons that motivated their infidelity, they did not, and they got sucked back into the affair. And somehow they were able to continue living in this fantasy without the reality of what they were doing bursting the bubble.

These unfaithful partners often say that when they look back at that period of time it felt like they were living through a dream. It somehow made sense in their heads at the time; and now “the spell has been broken” and they are not only clear-sighted, but also usually mortifyingly ashamed, embarrassed and regretful. Truly.

The bottom line that I want you to understand is this: it is entirely possible that your spouse was fully engaged in their affair, that it would have continued had you not caught them, AND that they are truly, sincerely remorseful and ready to do what it takes to repair the damage to your relationship and to remain faithful going forward.

So I’m just supposed to let it go?

Absolutely not. There is a lot of work to be done here.

All is not well just because they offered a sincere apology. It doesn’t mean you have to let go of your anger and hurt right now, that you have to forgive them immediately, or that you have to feel fully trusting today.

You are perfectly entitled to feel angry, upset, hurt, mistrustful, betrayed, uncertain, and anything else that is real for you. Moving through those feelings and coming out the other side is part of the affair recovery that has yet to come.

All I want to underscore here is that it is possible that your spouse really means it when they say they are sorry. 

Of course, it’s possible they’re not being genuine. Certainly there are such spouses too.

But if you get the feeling at times that they do really mean it, yet you still have doubts and questions; if their present actions demonstrate remorse and accountability, but you can’t get rid of those “what if” questions in your head – then I hope it will help you feel a little better to know that the line of argument that “this would still be going on if I hadn’t caught them” isn’t a conclusive proof that your partner’s apology isn’t real.

I don’t know your situation, so I can’t tell you anything for certain. "Can I trust my partner's apology?" The answer could well be yes. The apology may be genuine, along with their readiness to fix things.

Repair is still possible. And we’re here to help.