They say that more and more searches are getting the word “reddit” tacked onto them, so that people can get answers to their questions from other real people out there, as opposed to curated or “fake” answers, or info from the latest AI bot. So I figured I’d look into my own specialty and google “reddit marriage counseling” to see what comes up.   It’s not as bad as I was expecting. But it’s not great either.   There’s lots of questionable advice out there from people who mean well (as well as from people who don’t really), and some good gems among the junk.   Let’s take a look at the pros and cons of getting marriage advice on reddit:   Pros 1. You can talk to other humans who have been through what you’re going through. Getting moral support and guidance from people who have been there done that can be both helpful and relieving. Peer support is a huge factor in making it through a wide range of challenges.   So it can feel really affirming to hear that others have been down this road – i.e., that you’re normal, and that this is something a lot of people go through. (Many people feel embarrassed to tell their friends that they’re having marital issues.)   That’s something you can’t get as palpably from speaking to a professional on your own.   2. You can get multiple points of view quickly. Trying to get professional advice is admittedly challenging sometimes. I have heard far too many callers say I’m the first therapist who picked up the phone, or who returned their call. (This makes me sad. Like this: ☹)   And then trying to find a marriage counselor who takes your insurance or is in your price range is another headache!   Once you do find a counselor, you have to try them out and see how you like them. It’s normal to have to try a few people  before you find one you like (and too often people try a counselor who turns out to be lousy  then give up on the whole process after one attempt).   It’s nice to be able to type something into reddit and get a variety of answers quickly.   3. It’s free! There’s no denying that marriage counseling has a cost to it. It’s probably not that much if you’re going through insurance; but that’s still more than reddit!   (Note that if you’ve been holding off on marriage counseling because of the price tag, I think it’s work pointing out that divorce lawyers cost a whole lot more.)   Of course, there’s always the concern of “you get what you pay for.” A lot of the advice people post on reddit is indeed worth nothing. But sometimes you do score a good deal! (Trouble is, it’s hard to know which comments are a “good deal” and which are in fact just junk... 😬)   Cons The above points are valid. But to my mind they really don’t outweigh the serious cons to using reddit for your marriage troubles. Granted, I’m a marriage counselor, so you might think I’m biased. But perhaps I also have a clearer view on what’s helping people’s marriages and what is not. 🤔   Let’s check out the drawbacks of reddit:   1. You do not want advice from a layman on issues that require specialized knowledge. You might think that marriage is just a matter of common sense. There is some truth to that. But there is also a lot to know about making marriage work that is not common sense. In fact, there’s a good deal of research  out there now about what does and doesn’t work for keeping marriages together.   If you have to get some kind of surgery, you probably want to get information about your options from a doctor and not from someone who read about it online – or even someone who went through the same surgery. Their situation may not be the same as yours. (There’s a reason there are so many different drugs out there for any given medical issue – what works well for me might not work well for you!)   Note also that being in a happy marriage does not mean you are qualified to help others with their marriages, any more than being happy at your job makes you a career counselor.  Marriage counselors don’t help couples based only on what works for them; they have knowledge and training in what actually helps people. Most folks on reddit don’t.   2. A lot of people on there are not just uninformed, they are misinformed. It’s not just that your average citizen of the internet is lacking information that specialists have; it’s that they sometimes have it completely backwards.   Here’s one frightening example I’ve seen online: the idea that relationships shouldn’t take work . This is definitely, absolutely, really not true. Good relationships take work, just like anything else meaningful in your life.   If a relationship was supposed to be perfectly easy once you found “The One,” I guess it would just be the luck of the draw whether you ever got to experience marital happiness. There is no evidence for that point of view, and there is plenty of evidence that working on a marriage makes it better.   Other myths and misconceptions abound on reddit. (Try searching "does couples therapy work reddit" and you'll see what I mean.) Lots of people can talk a good game, but that doesn’t mean what they’re saying actually works!   I would not recommend to anyone to seek advice in a forum where some people are feeding you poison.   3. A lot of people posting on relationship reddits are bitter about what happened to them and give very biased advice. So many of the responses to relationship questions on reddit start with something like, “That same thing happened to me and...” then proceed with a very pessimistic outlook on the situation born out of what is very openly their bitterness about their own situation.   Look, there are plenty of people who try marriage counseling and things still don’t work out. And there are plenty of people who are lousy at relationships and ruin any relationship they’re in regardless. That doesn’t say much about what you should do in your relationship.   But the bitter people tend to be vocal online. They’ll tell you why your situation is hopeless, why you’re a dope if you stay, why you should “just leave that lowlife/cheater/[bad word]/etc.” They are really speaking about their own experience. And, as we noted above, their experience is guaranteed to be different from yours.   4. Solutions are easy to come by when you’re on the outside. Say you’re in a bit of a pickle in your marriage. You want to figure out what you should do. Well, the internet is full of answers – mostly simplistic, superficial ones.   As we pointed out, if there’s a snag in your marriage, you are likely to get a lot of “just leave now” type of advice. You’ll also get a lot of pointers that sound like “just do this .”   I gotta tell you something. It’s never that simple.   People are complicated. Relationships are complicated. I work with couples day in and day out, and it is very rare that all that’s needed to make things wonderful is one small tweak.   But when you’re standing on the outside looking in, it’s very easy to presume things and spit out an easy-peasy solution. And it may be very tempting for you to go along with them because hey, who doesn’t want an easy-peasy solution?   But it probably won’t actually help you all that much. Like we said earlier, relationships take work. You won’t find any silver bullets that will instantly put everything right.   5. You’re going to get a lot of strong opinions. People will encourage you to punish your spouse, to give them what’s coming to them, to get up and leave, to react strongly. Or they’ll tell you you should get even (and provide ideas on how to do so). Or they’ll tell you to refuse sex until your partner “owns up” or “takes accountability.”   And then they will blame and shame you if that’s not want you wanted to do.   You’ll face pressure, put-downs, accusations, and other unpleasant responses if your actions don’t measure up to the standards of the online mob. I’ve seen this kind of thing happen. It’s very sad for the person who was genuinely looking for ideas to help with their marriage, not suggestions to get out of it (or to retaliate, or otherwise make things worse.)   You’re looking for help. This is not helpful.   Is Reddit Marriage Counseling Worth It? I don’t deny that there are some benefits to seeking marital help on reddit. We discussed those above. But honestly, the risks and drawbacks really don’t seem worth it. I’ve seen a lot of marital pain. I very much want to help people through it in a way that will make things better.   I don’t know how many marriages have been saved or improved by reddit advice. By the looks of what I’ve seen in the comments, I’d be willing to bet that a lot more have been harmed.   If you need help with your marriage, I think you’re better off seeking out someone who knows how to help – not people who are as likely as not to make things worse.

Some couples play with the idea of going to couples counseling for weeks, months, or years before actually taking the plunge. And others are plunged into a catastrophic situation where they need emergency marriage counseling – ASAP.   We get it. At the Baltimore Therapy Center we provide emergency marriage counseling in Baltimore and the surrounding areas for those terrible situations you never want to find yourself in. We can often (not always) get people in the same day, or within a very short time frame.   What kinds of situations lead to that “emergency marriage counseling near me” search? Let’s take a look at some of the common crises we help with that you might (unfortunately) find yourself in (whether you're married or not).   Infidelity The most common issue that leads to calls for emergency couples counseling is the discovery of infidelity. This can happen when one partner finds text messages or DMs on social media that are clearly over the line (think explicit photos, or references to past or future sexual encounters), or even just mildly or moderately inappropriate, such as liking someone else’s sexy photos on Instagram or flirtatious messages back and forth.   It can also come up when the person who has cheated decides to confess. Either way, it is natural for the revelation to launch a major marital crisis.   The person who’s been cheated on can react in many ways. Sometimes they choose to walk out and end the relationship then and there. Sometimes they take some time to process and digest the information, and/or they try to work it out on their own as a couple.   But many people also – wisely, in my opinion – reach out immediately for support and guidance. (We’ve literally gotten calls from clients immediately after the revelation of an affair.)   Infidelity, of course, certainly counts as an emergency for many people. If this is your situation, whether you found out recently or a while ago, getting couples counseling for infidelity  is highly recommended.   Other breaches of trust There are, regrettably, many ways that trust can be broken in a relationship. Another common emergency marriage counseling situation is when there is a discovery/disclosure of financial infidelity. That occurs when one partner finds out that the other one has been keeping a lid on some very significant financial information. Some examples might be when your partner: has a very large debt they never told you about. has been taking money from your bank account without telling you. has used up your savings to pay for expenses you did not agree to. has a gambling addiction and has spent large sums of money on gambling.   This intersects with another serious breach of trust, namely, an undisclosed addiction, whether that is to gambling, drugs, alcohol, or (back to infidelity) sex/porn.   Less common are other major secrets that haven’t been disclosed, such as: being still married to a previous partner. having a child from another relationship. a marriage license that was faked (i.e., the couple is not in fact legally married) or a ring that was (knowingly) not a real diamond.   Any major breach of trust can lead to a crisis and a need for emergency couples counseling. (There are of course infinite ways someone can break your trust; generally speaking, though, people don’t tend to call for emergency counseling if, for example, their spouse promised to call on their way home but then didn’t.)   An explosive fight Sometimes couples recognize that their relationship is not in a good place, but they kind of just carry on for any number of (very understandable reasons). That might include: Lack of time Lack of commitment Financial concerns Lack of buy-in from your spouse Believing you can “fix it” on your own   So the relationship deteriorates, with fights becoming more frequent, more common, and more painful.   Then things come to a head with a massive, explosive fight, and the couple realizes that they really need help to turn things around in their marriage – and they need it fast. They’ve reached the end of their rope and it feels totally urgent to finally address the problems they haven’t been working on and call up a couples counselor.   Alternatively, a couple might believe their marriage is in a decent place, with not a lot of fighting and few apparent problems, but perhaps little connection or intimacy either. And then something finally explodes and all the issues burst out into the open in such a disastrous fight that they seek help immediately.   Someone walks out Another version of the above situation is where the tipping point isn’t a giant fight but rather someone just throwing in the towel. After all the previous fights, the miscommunications, the anger and the loneliness and the frustration, someone finally walks out on the marriage and says they’re calling it quits.   Sometimes they mean it and nothing can change their mind. Other times there’s still hope to save the marriage, especially if couples counseling hasn’t been tried before. (In some cases couples have tried multiple couples counselors already and they are unfortunately fed up with the process. Other times they’ve only tried it once – in which case I strongly recommend trying couples counseling again . There are many different approaches; you may just need to find the one that works for you.)   The reaction to a spouse leaving can vary greatly. Some partners have been basically waiting for the shoe to drop; others are totally blindsided, having failed to see (often despite their partner’s repeated attempts to show them) how bad the condition of their marriage had been.   In this case, it’s usually the one who got left behind that’s reaching out, whether with or without the knowledge of the one who left. Sometimes it’s successful in getting their spouse to the table; sadly, sometimes by that time it’s genuinely too late.   Major life event Another situation that can cause a need for emergency couples counseling is when the couple is not even at odds, but are facing an extremely difficult situation together. Common examples might be: Loss of a job (especially when finances have already been an issue) Threat of deportation A death in the family (especially of a child, and especially in cases of child suicide) Miscarriages or children born with birth defects   All of these situations are obviously extremely stressful, and are liable to strain even the best marriages. Any cracks in the relationship are magnified under this kind of pressure, and it’s easy to turn the stress and negativity against each other. Moreover, differences of opinion in how to handle the situation can blow up significantly in the wake of such an event.   But even when spouses agree on what’s at stake or what to do, it’s natural to need extra support, whether individually or as a team, when life happens in a big way.   Getting Emergency Marriage Counseling in Baltimore Getting the help you need on the spot isn’t always easy. Many therapists don’t answer their phones, don’t respond to messages quickly, don’t offer other ways of reaching them – and even if you do reach them, they may not have openings for weeks or months.   I’ll be honest. We can’t guarantee that we’ll get you an appointment that day every single time. But we sure will try – and often we’re successful. You can call us , email us , text us , and we’ll do our best to get back to you ASAP.   We know that when there’s a crisis, you can’t afford to get on a waitlist. You want help right away.   I hope we can be there for you when you need it.

You blew it. And you know it. Your wife caught you lying. Maybe it was something small, but it’s been a lot of them and now your wife’s trust is broken. Maybe it was something big – a major financial secret, an important piece of information she really should have known, or outright infidelity . How do you rebuild trust in a relationship once it’s gone? Here are the approaches we’ll discuss to regain trust in your marriage: Take responsibility for your actions. Validate the mistrust. Be honest. Be transparent. Be consistent Don’t rush it. To rebuild trust, take responsibility for your actions Whatever you did that broke the trust – you need to own that. No excuses. You can’t say, “I know it was wrong but...” You can’t explain why it’s not really that bad. You definitely can’t say, “At least I didn’t...” or “It’s not like I...” (I’ve seen this where a guy gets caught sexting with another woman and tries to defend himself with “It’s not like I actually slept with her!” That is a true statement; and totally ineffective in fixing the problem.) When you try to defend yourself, minimize the situation, or offer explanations (excuses), the message your wife gets is that you think it wasn’t that big a deal, or wasn’t really your fault, and bottom line – she can’t feel confident and secure that you won’t do it again. What if there really is a good reason? You were trying to not stress her out while your fixed up your significant credit card debt so you didn’t tell her; you in all honestly drank too much and feel terrible that you made out with some stranger. That is information you can provide when she asks you for it. But you can never use that as a way to try to make it seem like not a big deal. If you’re where you are, it’s already a big deal. Take accountability: Acknowledge that you messed up, and (of course) apologize for it. Show her that you will stand up for it instead of making excuses, and that you’re going to do the work you have to do to regain her trust . To rebuild trust, validate the mistrust. Getting irritated, angry, or defensive that your wife is upset with you and doesn’t trust you is guaranteed to keep things as they are. If you lied, if you hid something from your wife, if you cheated on her, then yeah, she’s not going to be happy about it. And she’s not going to trust you. This is normal. This makes sense. If a woman comes to me and says her husband has been lying to her over something very serious, but hey, no big deal, I totally trust him anyway, I would want to have a conversation with her about this. The natural reaction to someone violating your trust is to feel mistrustful. So validate that feeling your wife is having. That sounds like this: “I totally get why you feel that way.” “It makes sense that you don’t trust me right now.” “I think anybody in your position would be skeptical right now.” Accepting her feelings as they are show her that you’re not trying to get her to “get over it” or “move on,” which would go against point #1 above, taking responsibility. To rebuild trust, be honest. This one is a no-brainer, but it’s important to be mindful of it. For starters, you need to be honest about the incident/situation in question. If she found out 80% of the truth, you need to make sure she knows 100% of it. (I cannot overemphasize how damaging it is to the relationship for you to tell your wife you’ve told her everything, and then for her to find out there’s actually more to it.) If you hid 4 maxed-out credit cards and she only found 3, tell her about the fourth one. If you slept with someone else and she found nudes that were sent, she needs to know that it was more than just the pictures. If you are still hiding things, you may not be technically lying, but I can assure you that your wife won’t be interested in the dictionary definition when she finds out. No more lies of commission OR lies of omission. And of course, you need to be honest going forward as well. No white lies. No cover-ups of small things that don’t seem that important. No saying you went to Rick’s house when you went to Rob’s. If your wife thinks she can’t trust you on the small things, she’ll never trust you on the big things. But if she sees you being honest where you could have gotten away with a small fib, and if she sees you being honest when it’s uncomfortable for you to do so – that will tell her she can start to trust you again. To rebuild trust, be transparent. This is similar to being honest, but it also means that you avoid creating situations where dishonesty could even be possible. For example, you can turn on location sharing on your phone so that your wife knows where you are at all times. (If you are going places that you don’t want your wife to know, then there is good reason for her not to trust you, isn’t there?) You can tell your wife where you’re going when you go out with the guys, then send her a photo from there so she knows you were being truthful. Is she worried that you’re going to the strip club when you said you’d be at Rick’s? Maybe not. But being transparent means setting things up so that such a thought couldn’t get off the ground to begin with. Sending a photo (without her having to ask!) sends a strong message that you intend to be trustworthy going forward. Being transparent also means giving her all your passwords. She should be able to look at your Instagram whenever she wants, to pick up your phone and get access to your texts, etc. (Once again, if you have stuff on your social media or your devices that your wife would be angry if she saw, then there is a problem of trust here already.) If you have nothing to hide, then don’t hide anything. If you do have something to hide, then you probably aren’t going to have much success getting your wife to trust you again (and in fact she really shouldn’t, should she?). To rebuild trust, be consistent If you are truthful most of the time, you are not going to have a wife who mostly trusts you. Would you jump out of a plane with a parachute that opens most of the time? Turning on your location sharing here and there is nice; it won’t accomplish very much if it’s done here and there. If you want to regain your wife’s trust, you want that location sharing on always. You will have to tell the truth consistently. You will have to take responsibility and avoid excuses regularly. You will have to validate her feelings repeatedly. A lie here and there makes her wonder where else you are lying. Yes, you might make mistakes along the way. Mistakes are acceptable – as long as you fess up to them promptly. If you went back to the casino/affair partner/wherever after you said you wouldn’t, you need to tell her that and apologize again. The honesty will build trust, even though your action might take some time to get over. The alternative, where you don’t tell her, and she finds out on her own, is catastrophic for trust and for the relationship (see point #4 above on transparency). More than any aspect of your relationship, trust is built with consistent actions – brick by brick by brick – not with grand gestures or sincere promises. To rebuild trust, don’t rush it. Trust is only built over time. The first time you met your wife, you probably didn’t ask to borrow her car. It would be a bizarre thing to ask; she only just met you. You wouldn’t expect that level of trust. After maybe a few months of knowing each other, it probably would have been no big deal to borrow each other’s car. But that’s not something you could have achieved by showing her your driving record on day one (assuming your driving record is any good). You may truly be very sorry for the lies you told and the dishonest things you did. A common mistake men in your position make is to try to convince their wives of this with declarations and promises – and then to get angry when their wives don’t believe them in short order. This is going to take longer than you want. You will have to be patient (which goes hand in hand with consistent – see point #5). You cannot speed up the process. This is about your wife’s emotional state, not her statistical analysis of whether something bad is likely to happen again. Feelings can’t be rushed. There are no shortcuts for building trust. If this is true when you’re starting from zero, it’s all the most so true when you’re starting from the negatives, which is where you may be, depending on the extent of your betrayal. Final Points: Can I Really Get My Wife to Trust Me Again? Rebuilding trust is not quick or easy. But it is doable. And it may be necessary if you’re in a position where you have to save your marriage . If you have a problem with chronic lying for no good reason, it may be wise to seek individual therapy to figure that out. If your marriage is in crisis because you cheated in some way, or because you lied about something major, you may need a little more help repairing than a blog post on how to rebuild trust in your marriage. Couples counseling can be a major part of the rescue effort if you need to recover from something like that. So yes, work on rebuilding trust with the above guidelines; but don’t skip out on getting help if it’s needed. Contact us today if you need to save your marriage, recover from infidelity, or otherwise patch things up.

If you just found out that your spouse is cheating on you , the first thing you need to do is this:   Nothing.   To be clear, I am not saying you will not do something about this situation ever . I just mean that right now, as you are dealing with this massive shock, you should not take action. Anything you do right now is going to be from a place of intense emotion, which is generally not a good way to make an important decision.   Let’s take this one step at a time.   Step 1: Managing the Initial Discovery of an Affair I assume that you did not just walk in on your spouse in bed with someone else and decided to Google a solution in that moment. Even if that is how you found out about the cheating – well, first of all, I am very sorry for that horrible experience you went through – still, I imagine we are maybe a few days out from that moment, and you’re trying to figure out what now.   But I would guess that most people reading this have found out through other means, and possibly your spouse doesn’t even know yet that you know. (Most of this post will be relevant even if your spouse does know you know.)   Whatever the case, if this is still a very new situation, you are no doubt going through a host of emotions, most of them not so pleasant.   You’re shocked – perhaps you had no idea this was happening. Maybe you can’t even believe your spouse would do something like this. They didn’t seem like the type. You would never have dreamed they could break your marriage vows. Maybe they even promised explicitly in the past that they would never cheat.   You’re also, of course, devastated. The betrayal feels enormous, insurmountable. You’re hurt beyond words that they would become sexually and/or emotionally involved with someone else; that they would lie to you, possibly for a very long time; that they would disrespect you in so blatant a fashion.   And you’re furious. That kind of disrespect naturally would lead someone to be angry. Being lied to makes you angry. Feeling like an idiot makes you angry. There’s a lot to be angry about here.   And there’s a lot more feelings to feel as well. (Miserable? Humiliated? Depressed? We could go on.) Know that whatever’s going on inside you right now is normal.   So step 1 is to not do anything, but just to feel the feelings. Any feelings you try to stuff away will come back out later anyway. And anything you do under the influence of these powerful emotions will likely come back to haunt you.   Let yourself cry, let yourself scream, whatever you need to do to let the emotions flow through you is a good way to start managing this situation. (I am referring here to yelling in an empty room, at your computer screen, into your pillow, etc. – not to yelling at your spouse. One step at a time, please.)   Step 2: Talk to Someone The next thing you should do is think of someone you can talk to about this crisis. If you have a close and trusted friend or family member who can hear you out and be supportive without telling you what to do , that can be a good option. But if you know your mother, say, is judgmental, opinionated, narcissistic, etc. – she may not be a good person to share this with right now.   (Note that it’s a big decision to make in general whether to tell your family members – you may choose to patch things up with your spouse (yes, it’s 100% possible), and you may see them go through a lot of repentance and rebuilding, but your family members won’t see that all, and may never be able to let go of the transgression. So this is mostly intended as an option for those of you who have a parent or sibling who’s really your BFF.)   Another good option is a teacher, clergyperson, coach , or therapist . If you don’t have a therapist, this could be a good time to get one! Having a caring and objective person to help ground you will be a big asset in the upcoming storm (and they also don’t come with the potential repercussions of sharing the information with someone in your family or immediate community).   As far as talking to a lawyer: if you are reasonably sure you’d want to get a divorce, or if you have reason to believe your spouse is planning to go that route (for example, based on text messages you discovered), there’s nothing wrong with consulting with a divorce lawyer to gather information. However, that definitely doesn’t mean you must or should start divorce proceedings at this point (see below).   Step 3: Keep Your Options Open An affair does not certainly mean the end of a marriage. Many couples have faced this crisis and come out in one piece, often even stronger than before. You can too.   It is possible for a marriage to recover from infidelity . It is possible to build trust and closeness again. It is also possible that your partner still loves you and cares about you. (I know this might seem crazy to some people; see this post  for further clarity on this point.)   Of course, all this will take time. You are not going to resolve this problem today, or tomorrow, or next week. What this means is that you also don’t have to make a decision about what you are going to do today, or tomorrow, or next week.   Take some deep breaths. Get the support you need. And let things play out for a while before you sign off on a final decision. (For more information about deciding on the future of the relationship, check out Should I Get a Divorce? )   Affair Discovery Don’ts Let’s touch on a few things you should NOT do upon discovering your spouse’s affair:   1. Don’t call out the affair partner. It is very tempting to call up the other man/woman and let them have it in the worst way – to embarrass them, rake them over the coals, and “give them what’s coming to them.”   This is not a good idea.   First of all, it is just going to cause things to blow up more. There will be more anger, more conflict, and more unhappiness for you not less than for anyone else involved. It will make it that much harder to get your life back together, whether you’re looking to reconcile or not.   All you will achieve by doing this is scoring a little revenge-based satisfaction, which doesn’t last long. And it will come at a high cost.   But more importantly, perhaps, is that when you look back at all this in the rearview mirror sometime in the future, you are going to want to see that you behaved as your best self under duress. You want to live in line with your values, which I am willing to bet do not involve being nasty to other people (even if they hurt you), losing your cool, or making bad decisions because it felt good in the moment. When you look back at this, what kind of person will you want to have been?   Be that person.   2. Don’t tell everyone you know. We mentioned above that telling a select one or two people could be important for you to get the support you need. But the point of that is to seek help getting through this, not as a method of revenge or of (questionable) “justice”. Don’t go sharing the bombshell with all your friends and neighbors, or posting it on your social media. That is not help-seeking behavior.   It would be easy to fool yourself into believing that other people have a right to know what a terrible person your spouse is, or that your spouse deserves to be outed because they brought this on themselves, or any number of other rationalizations. Again, this is the wrong way to go.   This approach invites all kinds of trouble and achieves nothing. (To take one example of the kind of trouble you can find: if you have children together, especially young ones, the damage it can do to them to find out about a parent’s affair – especially from outside sources – is quite significant.)   See Don’t #2 again. You will live a much happier life if you can take the high road in a difficult situation.   3. Don’t make any major decisions right now.   Don’t go get divorce papers drawn up. Don’t put your house up for sale. Definitely  don’t do anything that would be irreversible.   This is not a time to jump into action. You are most likely quite emotional right now, which means that your prefrontal cortex has been hijacked by your feelings, and that’s the part you need for important functions like weighing options, considering consequences, and making decisions.   Your brain is offline right now . Don’t fall prey to the urge to make this all go away in one swift motion. Decisions make on the spur of the moment tend not to be the best ones.   Let things be crummy for a while. Feel your feelings. Get support. Do some deep breathing, yoga, meditation, exercise, whatever will help you manage the high energy you’ve got going on inside. Let it be for now – it will lead to better outcomes in the end.   (This all applies in most situations; however, if you have discovered that your spouse is, for example, plotting with the affair partner to empty your bank account and run off to Tahiti, then yes, it may be wise to take action promptly.)   Conclusion: What to Do If Your Spouse Cheats on You We have yet to discuss how to confront your spouse about what you’ve found out. That will come in another post. Right now we’re just dealing with managing yourself well in the difficult stretch of time that comes after the discovery.   The bottom line is this: you want to know what to do If your spouse cheats on you? Do nothing.   Feel. Breathe. Get support. (Feel free to reach out to us if that would be helpful.)   One step at a time.

Are you spiraling right now? Take 3 deep breaths for me. Then tell yourself out loud, “I’m doing something to help with this anxiety.” Okay – let’s get to it then. I am assuming you just searched for “how to reduce anxiety immediately” because you’re feeling it pretty bad right now. (If you’re actually preparing for the next time you feel that way, so much the better. Preparation is key!)   First of all, remember that you’re going to be okay. You are going to get through this anxiety attack. I know this with confidence because you always have. You are here today now because you have survived any previous encounters with anxiety. You will survive this one too.   Anxiety always feels like it’s going to be there forever and like it’s an emergency to deal with NOW. But the reality is, it’s not going to be there forever – sooner or later, it passes. It’s not pleasant in the meantime. But hold on to the knowledge in your head that it’s going to pass.   That alone might help you get through the current anxiety attack. Let’s go ahead and look at some other therapist-approved ideas for how to reduce anxiety immediately.   1. Breathing Funny how the most basic bodily function can be so powerful.   There are lots of breathing techniques out there with lots of fun names – square breathing, triangle breathing, 4-7-8 breathing. They’re all variations on the same theme: you mindfully control your breath to calm the system.   For all of them, you want to start by sitting or lying in a comfortable position. Ideally you have a quiet space to do this in. Turn off your phone! (Or put it to silent or whatever – not vibrate! You want to not get pulled back into the world of anxiety here.) Close your eyes, or focus on something neutral – a dot on a the wall, a painting of a plant, etc.   In square breathing you breathe in for 4 seconds, hold for 4 seconds, out for 4 seconds, hold for 4 seconds. The 4-7-8 technique ( Dr. Andrew Weil ’s version) is in for 4, hold for 7, out for 8. (The rationale is that it’s the exhaling that most impacts the parasympathetic nervous system – the stuff the calms you down.)   2. Grounding When your mind is flying off to the most stressful places, you can use your body to bring you back to the present moment.   The simplest way to do this is just to pay close attention to your physical sensations. Focus on the weight of your body against the chair you’re sitting in. Feel your feet on the ground. Push down on them a little bit. Anything that recenters you on your physical sensation and takes you out of your spiraling anxiety can help.   You can also hold something in your hands that heightens your sensory experience: an ice cube or a stress ball can do the trick.   Another way to use your senses is the 5-4-3-2-1 trick: look around the room and notice: 5 things you can see – pay attention to details, colors, shapes. 4 things you can touch – feel textures, temperature, weight. 3 things you can hear – notice tone and distance. 2 things you can smell – if you don’t smell anything you can call to mind the smells of things you see or think of 1 thing you can taste – same deal.   3. The Mammalian Dive Reflex This one sounds a little more advanced, doesn’t it? It’s not.   Just put your face in a bowl of ice water. That’s it. Take a deep breath and keep it there for 15-30 seconds.   What exactly is this about? It’s the mammalian dive reflex. Basically, all mammals have this reflex that when they are submerged in water, their breathing and heart rate slow down to conserve oxygen. Telling your body that it’s dunking underwater triggers that response.   Getting your body to stop doing that anxious dance it’s doing can help you get back into a calmer place.   Don’t have a bowl of ice water handy? Applying an ice pack to the face (specifically under the eyes) can get the job done.   4. Progressive Muscle Relaxation You can do this on your own or find a video online that will walk you through it. Basically you start at the top of your head and work your way down through your body, tightening the muscles in every spot and then releasing them. (Some people skip the tightening part and just focus on releasing the tension in every muscle group.)   So you’ll start with your forehead, move to your face, your jaw, your neck, your shoulders, etc. All the way down.   The more you practice this, the easier it will get, and the quicker you’ll be able to run through it in a pinch.   5. Exercise Go for a run. Right now. Toss on some shoes and jog around the block. Go!   Putting the tension in your body to good use is an effective way to reduce anxiety right away (and it has the added benefit of contributing to your physical fitness!). Choose your favorite kind of movement. A jog is great if that suits you, but if not, put on an exercise video on YouTube and do some squats with an overly cheerful taskmaster. Or go to the gym. Or dance (upbeat music offers an additional support to boosting your mood). Get yourself moving and your heart rate up and you're likely to feel better inside too.   Other tricks for how to reduce anxiety immediately? The truth is that whatever works for you, works. The above strategies have been helpful for many people. They may or may not work for you.   If you regularly struggle with anxiety attacks, these stopgap measures are good to have on hand, but you will probably also get a lot from going to regular individual therapy for anxiety to address the situation in a broader fashion.   You may also benefit from anti-anxiety medication, both as a maintenance plan and on as as-needed basis for anxiety attacks.   There is help available for your anxiety problem. If you need more help, please reach out to us for a free consultation!

People regularly call us up wanting to know if their health insurance will cover couples therapy. The answer isn’t so black and white – it’s kind of “yes and no.” This post will break it down for you and explain what the issue is with insurance paying for couples counseling.   What does insurance cover? Health insurance in this country is designed to pay for medical issues and medical issues only.   Therefore, you can usually use your insurance to pay for therapy, because therapy is a treatment for mental illness, which is a medical issue. (In the Obama years laws were enacted to require insurance companies to pay for the care and treatment of mental health issues the same way they do for physical health problems.)   (BTW, guess who gets to decide what is and isn’t a medical issue? The insurance company! 😖)   This works decently well for individual therapy – anxiety disorders, major depression , OCD and the like are recognized diagnoses, and therapy is a recognized medical treatment for them. When it comes to couples therapy , however, it’s a bit of a different situation: old sexist jokes aside, getting married is generally not considered to be evidence of a mental illness. (Ha!)   (Note: some people ask if insurance covers couples therapy for unmarried couples. This question is based on the incorrect assumption that the status of the couple is part of the equation, which is not the case. The question of insurance coverage for couples therapy is the same whether the couple is married, engaged, dating, or even divorced.)   Mental illness and relationships Of the many couples I have worked with, the majority did not have a mental illness. Because here’s the thing: it is entirely normal to have difficulties in your marriage . In fact, if you have no trouble in your marriage, I’d say you are by far the exception.   Fortunately, the stigma of seeking help has continued to decline in recent years, as well it should. Seeking out guidance and support when you need help is admirable, not shameful! The result is that more and more, normal, healthy people are going to couples counseling, getting the help they need, and making their relationships really, really great.   And therein lies the rub: since couples counseling is virtually never treating a mental illness, insurance companies – regrettably, but quite understandably – almost always refuse to pay for it.   "But our last couples counselor took our insurance!" Yes, that is entirely possible. Many therapists do accept insurance for couples counseling. What they usually do in order to get insurance to pay for their services is they make up a diagnosis of a mental illness for you, and claim they are treating you for that.   No, I am not making this up. If you have gone to couples counseling in the past and insurance paid for it, it is very likely that the therapist assigned you a diagnosis – probably a relatively mild one, like “adjustment disorder” or “anxiety disorder not otherwise specified,” and probably one reasonably related to your actual experience – but a mental health diagnosis nonetheless.   You can call your insurance company and verify this – it’s part of your permanent medical record now. (It is a source of great frustration for me personally that, apart from making up a diagnosis, many couples therapists don’t even tell their clients they are doing this.)   There are, of course, some negative ramifications of having a mental illness in your medical record: It can affect things like the cost of life insurance and disability insurance. It can cause trouble if you are applying for government clearance. (I have received inquiries from the government who required clients of mine to sign a release form allowing me to provide their records if they wanted to apply for jobs requiring clearance.) Some employers are unfavorably disposed towards people with mental health concerns. I have had more than one client who, as a medical professional, was afraid to use their insurance for therapy because they were clear that, had their superiors discovered they were seeking mental health treatment, their careers would have been in jeopardy.   Note also that this is arguably fraud on the part of the therapist (although that probably doesn’t affect you much). Sometimes the diagnosis they give you is not farfetched based on some things you’re going through (hey, maybe you do have a lot of anxiety in your life). Sometimes it’s just the least severe thing they could reasonably justify. Often, though, it’s simply not an honest application of the definition of the mental health condition in question.   Either way, if you’re seeing them for couples counseling, then they aren’t really treating you for that disorder anyway – but they’re saying they are. No bueno.   By the way, this whole issue is also there for people who go to individual therapy just for general life help – normal stresses, relationship issues, seeking direction in life – you don’t have to be mentally ill to gain from the services of a therapist. But you do have to be mentally ill for insurance to pay for it! That’s why therapists are often diagnosing adjustment disorder, depression, and anxiety even when there’s really nothing wrong with you.   Grief is a great example – there is a whole niche of grief therapists who help people through the tragic circumstances of a loved one dying. It is certainly not a sign of mental illness to feel awful and to need some support when you lose someone you love!   "But I actually do have a mental illness!" That may well be true! I have certainly worked with many clients who have anxiety, bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder , ADHD, you name it.   But here’s the catch: even if you have a mental illness, that’s not why you’re going to a couples therapist. (In fact, you might already be seeing a therapist or psychiatrist for your mental health.)   For a couples therapist to say they are treating your generalized anxiety disorder – and that certainly may be a very real part of your life – when what they are actually doing is treating your marital problems – well, to me that doesn’t seem entirely aboveboard.   Yes, it is probably true that your ADHD or OCD or whatever is impacting your relationship – but again, supporting the relationship is not the same thing as treating the mental health issue.   (No judgment on any therapists for how they practice, by the way, and certainly not on any clients who use their insurance to pay for therapy of any kind. But this whole deal is one of many reasons why we don’t accept insurance for couples therapy, or at all, at the Baltimore Therapy Center.)   There’s still a chance! All this said, it is still worth calling your insurance company to see if they’ll cover couples therapy. I have had a small number of cases where they actually do (although there actually is no billing code for couples therapy, only for family therapy – probably because family therapy is a modality that can be used to directly treat some mental illnesses).   You can go even further and ask them if they’ll pay for “Z codes.” Z codes are billing codes for things that are not actually medical in nature – things like social stressors, unemployment, and, of course, problems in a marriage/relationship.   Some insurance companies (for some plans) will actually accept these instead of mental health diagnosis codes and will pay for couples therapy, and the therapist doesn’t have to do any stretching or bending to come up with a mental health illness for you. (Z codes are what we use at the Baltimore Therapy Center when providing superbills or invoices for clients to submit to their insurance companies for reimbursement. Sometimes it actually works!)   I should note that if you saw a couples therapist in the past and your insurance paid for it, it’s possible that they did use a Z code instead of assigning you a mental illness. Again, that’s information you should be able to get from your insurance company.   So... does insurance pay for couples counseling or not? Well, like I said earlier, it’s not so simple. The short answer is... maybe.   You can certainly find couples counselors who will take your insurance (again, whether you are married or not shouldn’t be relevant). But if everyone is being 100% legit about it, it’s not all that likely.   Need help figuring out if your insurance covers couples therapy? Feel free to reach out and we’ll see if we can help.

If you are a woman married to a man and your husband isn’t interested in sex, it can be extremely upsetting, confusing, and hurtful.   You’ve probably absorbed all the cultural messages that tell us that men are always looking for sex and that they can get turned on at a moment’s notice.   You also have likely been affected by the cultural norms that woman shouldn’t be that interested in sex and that they should be able to turn on their partners with little more than a sexy look or piece of lingerie.   The reality is not so much like that. It takes work to keep up a vibrant sexual relationship over the long term. And actually it is not at all unusual for a woman to be more interested in sex than her husband.   Still, it doesn’t feel very good.   Let’s talk about what’s going on here, and what you can do about it.   Why Isn’t My Husband Interested in Sex? 1. It Probably Isn't Your Appearance Let’s start with this fundamental point: your husband’s lack of interest in sex probably has nothing to do with how you look.   Although your appearance is unlikely to be the major issue, women frequently assume it is, so I wanted to knock this one off first.   There are any number of reasons why a man would not want to have sex – and many of them have nothing to do with how attractive you are or how much weight you’ve put on since the wedding. We’ll list some of reasons that are actually more likely below.   Please do not start hating yourself for going through the natural aging process of your body, or running through fad diets in an effort to stop it. This situation is most likely not about that. We’ll explore these other reasons shortly.   So, all that said, I want to be real, and we probably shouldn’t pass by issue out entirely. It’s not impossible that the way you look is having some effect on your sex life. So let’s try to be realistic without shaming or blaming.   If you’ve “let yourself go,” you probably already know it anyway (and your husband’s reluctance to hop into bed is probably just making you feel worse about it).   In many cases, there is something you can do about this. If you haven’t been exercising as much as you would like or have been eating more junk food than you know you should, then there are some clear options in front of you to get yourself back in shape.   (Note that this true for men as well – many women aren’t that excited about sleeping with a man who is grossly overweight, has bad hygiene, etc. If people don’t take care of their bodies, it impacts people besides just them!)   Of course, there are many things about your body that you can’t change. Getting older, wrinklier, and heavier is pretty inevitable. (That said, there are plenty of older and/or heavier people who have very happy sex lives, so don’t assume that these are the obstacles in your marriage.)   For some people, an accident or a surgery has significantly changed the way they look (and not for the better). That can be a hard reality to grapple with, but again, not insurmountable.   What can you do in these situations?   What to do about it Again, it is wise not to assume that your appearance is truly the key factor here. You don’t have to look like [insert name of famous actress] to be sexually desirable. (In fact, whatever actress you’re thinking of also doesn’t look like that – at least not without plenty of makeup and digital effects.) Many people who do not have fake bodies are very satisfied with their sex life!   If your husband has straight up told you that your appearance is a turnoff, or you have asked him and he has said yes, then it’s time to start working on this. Or, if you recognize that you are seriously overweight – well, it’s not a bad idea to start taking care of yourself anyway!   In this case, attending to your diet and exercise routine are reasonable approaches. But for those women who have physical situations that are not fixable, the best approach is open communication  about the reality of the situation. Getting support from a couples counselor  or sex therapist can also be helpful.   It’s not easy to talk about your intimate life  with a stranger, of course. But it’s probably better than never having sex again. And there are many professionals who are very compassionate and helpful and who can make it easier to talk about this difficult topic.   2. Emotional Connection Again, contrary to what we’re taught to believe, many men need emotional connection for sex to work the same as women (supposedly) do.   If your marriage is not in great shape, whether it’s due to big, nasty arguments or just to increasing distance and disconnection between you, that could be a major reason why your husband isn’t interested in being intimate right now.  A lack of emotional intimacy can mean a lack of physical intimacy, too.   Do you guys fight all the time? Or maybe you don’t fight much – but he feels like he’s walking on eggshells all day to avoid it. (You may not even know it if he is.)   Another common situation where emotional distance in a relationship comes into stark relief is after the kids leave the house and you’re empty nesters – and now you’ve got to figure out how to come back together a romantic partners after decades of being mostly just co-parents.   What to do about it Consider whether the state of your emotional relationship is a more critical piece of the puzzle might be a bigger player here than your physical appearance. Remember, as we said above, you don’t have to look like a 20-year-old model to be sexually attractive!   Check in with your husband – he may well tell you that it’s the quality of the relationship and not the shape of your body that has got him turned off. And if so, it’s time to get working on that!   If you haven’t invested the time into the relationship that’s needed for it to thrive – and this is a common problem for folks with kids  – start carving out time for yourselves as partners and lovers, not just co-parents.   If there are more extensive problems in the relationship – head to couples counseling . Get yourselves in a better place in your marriage so that you can get to a better place in your bedroom.   3. Porn Real women cannot compete with airbrushed porn stars. Real sex can’t compete with what porn injects into our brains . Men who watch porn (and/or masturbate frequently) are obviously less interested in sex.   This is not just because they’ve already used up their sexual energies without you (though that is certainly a part of it). It’s also because it’s just really hard to get aroused by lower-level stimuli once you get used to porn.   Porn has been shown to act on the brain like a drug , and like with any drug, habituation is a thing: the more you consume it, the more you need to get the same buzz. A real, in-the-flesh woman (and only one of them at a time, no less) just doesn’t cut it anymore.   In fact, men who overdo it on the porn watching can have trouble even getting an erection  – and this is even for young fellows who really oughtn’t be having that problem.   If your husband regularly consumes porn  but isn’t interested in sex with an actual human (you), it’s worth considering whether porn is the problem. (Note, however, that porn might actually be his solution – for example, perhaps it’s the emotional disconnect that is hurting your sex life, and your has turned to porn as an outlet since he feels so disconnected from you.)   What to do about it This situation is of course rather delicate. Talking to someone about their porn usage is kind of awkward (especially when it comes with the added feelings and implications of an intimate relationship between you).   Not only that, but many men minimize or dismiss the effect that porn might actually be having on their brain and on their body.   Your best bet might be to reach out from a personal and vulnerable place – let him know how you feel about his porn use, and how you miss being intimate with him. Leave out complaints like “you never want to have sex with me” or “you watch too much porn” – you will only elicit defensiveness, and possibly shame. Neither of these is going to lead anywhere good.   It’s not unlikely he will deny that porn is getting in the way of your sex life; he’ll have some other reason for it. Don’t get into an argument about it. It won’t help.   Instead, ask if he’d be willing to discuss with you ways you could get your sex life back on track. If you need help having that conversation together, a couples counselor can certainly assist with that. If he isn’t willing to attend, book a session for yourself  and get some advice. A flagging sex life is one thing; a spouse who doesn’t want to try to fix it is another.   Of course, if he does agree that cutting back on porn would be good for you guys – great! Let’s see if that improves things. If he finds it harder to stop than he thought (which is not uncommon), there are plenty of websites and therapists out there to help folks unhook from porn.    4. His Own Issues It’s entirely possible that your husband isn’t interested in sex for reasons that have absolutely nothing to do with you.   He might be aging and struggling with his own sense of attractiveness and virility. It is normal as men age to have trouble getting erections  as easily as before; some men react to this unwelcome development by staying away from the martial bed entirely, so as not to have to face the disappointment and shame of not being able to perform.   Likewise, a man struggling with premature ejaculation might prefer to avoid sexual contact to avoid the embarrassment.   He could be experiencing a change in libido with age, or with a new medication or other physical situation that has come up.   He might have some past trauma  that is coming up and getting in the way of his being able to be intimate. This can be true even if you had no problem having sex in the past – something may have come up to trigger the trauma that is affecting him now, such as your moving in together, your formalizing the marriage, the birth of a child, or any number of life circumstances.   He could simply be stressed about his job/his family members/your financial situation/the kids/etc., and stress is a well-known killer of sex drives.   In short, there is no lack of reasons to explain why your husband isn’t interested in you sexually. It’s important not to immediately take the blame on yourself when there are so many possibilities that have nothing to do with you.   What to do about it If your relationship with your husband is in good shape, it makes sense to ask him if anything is going on that has been making it hard for him to want to have sex. If you guys have been able to talk about difficult things in the past, hopefully you can talk about this one as well.   You can also suggest couples counseling to help you sort through things together, or perhaps individual therapy for him to figure himself out. Again, coming from a supportive and non-blaming place will help you succeed in this endeavor.   Final Thoughts “Why doesn’t my husband want to have sex with me?”   It’s a painful, depressing, lonely question to ask. And the not knowing makes it that much worse.   Before you let yourself wallow in self-blame, think through the above possibilities. It also makes sense to reach out to a coach  or therapist  on your own to get a handle on your own feelings and concerns before you try to broach the subject with him, so that you can succeed in a soft, understanding approach without coming off as blaming him either.   Rest assured, this kind of situation can be resolved, whether on your own or with a competent couples counselor. If you’re struggling with the lack of sex in your marriage, feel free to reach out  and see how we can help.

If you’re a man married to a woman who isn’t interested in sex, you probably aren’t too happy about it.   You may also have accepted the cultural narrative that says this is just kind of the way it is in marriage – like the classic (and misplaced) advice to the newly engaged: “Before you get married, put a penny in a jar every time you have sex. After you get married, take a penny out every time you have sex. You’ll never run out of pennies!” Ha ha! 😖   The truth is that married people can have a great sex life  – in fact, for couples who work on their relationship in and out of the bedroom, sex usually only gets better as they get older!   The point here is not to make you feel bad. The point is that if your wife isn’t interested in sex but you are, the situation is not hopeless (and doesn’t require you stepping outside your marriage , either).   Let’s consider some of the reasons the might explain why your wife isn't interested in you sexually, and what you can do about it.   Why Isn’t My Wife Interested in Sex? 1. The relationship One of the most common reasons that married women aren’t so excited about sex is because they aren’t so excited about the relationship. It’s normal for men to get more emotionally connected to their partners through sexual connection, and for women to feel more interested in sexual connection when they feel emotionally connected.   (These are typical dynamics to see in a couple, but it’s also perfectly normal when men do need emotional connection first, or when women don’t .)   If you guys are fighting all the time , she’s unlikely to want to hop into bed with you.   Even if you’re not fighting, but she’s afraid of setting you off ( anger problem , anyone?), she’s unlikely to want to hop into bed with you.   And even if there’s no fights and no fear, but you don’t talk much with her, don’t share what’s going on inside your head, don’t ask about her day, etc. – well, you know where this is going.   You may think that sex is a “right” of marriage – but your wife probably doesn’t agree with that. If your relationship isn’t strong, if it’s low on connection and communication, then yeah, you can expect to see that reflected in the bedroom too.   The Fix Want to turn things around? Grabbing her butt while she’s doing the dishes may not be the best strategy. Nor is nagging or complaining you’re not getting enough or comparing her to your friends’ wives.   Instead, invest in the relationship. Pick up a book on couples communication , or go to a couples counselor  together to learn how to make this relationship that fosters intimacy, both emotionally and physically.   Not only will that likely lead to more sex, but you may find that you’ll actually be happier for the improved relationship as well (to say nothing of your wife’s happiness level).   2. Your appearance You may not think much of your beer belly, but your wife might.   Look, life is busy. Getting to the gym isn’t easy, and our increasingly sedentary lifestyle isn’t doing us any favors.   And while getting older, flabbier, and wrinklier is inevitable, being grossly overweight isn’t. Neither is keeping yourself clean and groomed. Now, there are plenty of older and/or larger people who have very satisfying sex lives. But that doesn’t mean that you can neglect your appearance, grooming, or hygiene, and take married sex  for granted.   So, while you shouldn’t get too down on yourself if you’re losing your hair or growing a bit of an inner tube, you also shouldn’t discount your personal care as an important contribution to your physical intimacy.   The Fix Make sure you have the basics covered: shower regularly. Use deodorant. Brush your teeth.   Check your attire, too – toss out the shredded underwear, and make sure you’ve got clean clothes that don’t reek.   If you’ve been “letting yourself go” with too much pizza, beer, junk food, etc., consider shifting your diet to something a little more healthful, and find yourself some form of exercise that you enjoy so you can shed a few pounds.   Oh, and tell your wife about your plans – not only will she hopefully find it encouraging, but it will keep you accountable too!   3. Your sex life so far How has sex gone for you guys until now? And by that what I really mean is, how has sex gone  for your wife  until now?   One of the major reasons people find themselves uninterested in sex is because the sex they’ve been getting hasn’t been worth their interest.   Have you invested in your wife’s needs in bed? Or are you mostly just noticing your own pleasure? This is not to accuse you of being a selfish lover (though if you are, it’s no wonder your wife isn’t interested in your loving) – but perhaps more focus on your wife’s sexual needs is in order here.   Creating a mutually satisfying sex life is a long-term enterprise. It takes time, work, and above all, communication. And if you haven’t gotten that dialed in – and it’s very easy to duck conversations on this very sensitive topic  – then you are missing out on opportunities to make significant improvements in your sex life.   There’s a related complaint that many women have lodged about their husbands in this area, namely, that their husbands only offer physical affection when they want sex. It makes getting a hug a bit distasteful when she knows the implication is that you’re hoping to get her into bed.   Physical affection is an important part of the emotional connection between spouses. If that’s become a downer for her, she may be avoiding any kind of physical connection at all.   A last point on this topic: if you’re watching porn regularly  and your wife knows it, that may be a massive turn-off for her. It’s hard for women to feel attractive when they know they’re being compared to impossible perfection. (And if you’re watching porn regularly and your wife doesn’t  know it , you have a different problem you probably need to address.)   The Fix Consider whether you might be able to provide a better sexual experience for your wife than you have been. If you’re not sure, ask her! Of course, that’s not an easy conversation to have. Having it with a stranger in the room might not seem particularly inviting, but for sure having a couples counselor guide you through it can be helpful.   You can also suggest up front that you recognize this might be an issue: “Hey, you know, I wonder if maybe our sex life isn’t where it used to be because I wasn’t really giving you what you need. I’d like to try and do more of that so that you’re more excited about this part of our life. Would you be willing to give that a try?”   4. Things that have absolutely nothing to do with you There are any number of factors your wife might be dealing with that explain why she isn’t very interested in sex.   She might be feeling bad about her own appearance. It can be hard for a woman (or anyone) to get naked in front of someone else when they feel ashamed of how they look. This is a common issue with women as they age (and/or have children) and their body stops looking like it did when they were 20.   She might be struggling with past trauma  or abuse (which is sadly all too common) which is making sexual intimacy feel difficult or even scary. This can be true even if you had no problem having sex in the past – something may have come up to trigger the trauma and it’s affecting her now, such as your moving in together, your going from dating to engaged to married, childbirth, or other possible life circumstances.   She might just be generally stressed and overwhelmed, whether it’s with work, with her family, with childrearing, or any number of very normal life experiences. Stress isn’t good for anyone’s libido.   The Fix Start by using your powers of observation. Is she frazzled? Is she overloaded with housework? Is she “touched out” after having managed the kids all day long?   If so – roll up our sleeves and get in there. Pick up a broom. Wash the dishes. Take the kids out to the park and let your wife nap. I assure you that your wife will appreciate a nap! Can’t promise that will lead to sex, but you’d be surprised how much a little alone time can do for a wife.   When the source of the stress isn’t so obvious, if your relationship is in good shape, asking her if there’s anything that’s getting in the way of your sex life makes sense. With good communication  you can sort through this together and work on a way to improve things.   If you aren’t so confident about your communication or the state of your marriage, reach out to a couples counselor  to help walk you through it. Yes, it’s awkward to talk about your sex life with a stranger. The alternative might be not having one. Up to you.   Final Thoughts “Why doesn’t my wife want to have sex with me?”   It’s a frustrating, unpleasant question to have to ask. This is not where you thought you’d be in your marriage.   Getting angry or offended probably won’t get your very far. Neither will nagging, guilting or pouting. (Those might produce short-term results, but are sure to be damaging long-term.)   You don’t have to be stuck with a full jar of pennies for the rest of your life. An ailing sex life is something that can definitely be improved, whether on your own or with a competent couples counselor. If you’re unhappy with the lack of sex in your marriage, feel free to reach out  and see how we can help.

If you’ve been feeling down a lot lately, always tired, not in the mood to do much of anything, you may be suffering from depression.    Depression is different from just feeling sad , and it is a medical condition that should not go ignored. While medical interventions such as psychiatric medication may be helpful or even necessary to treat depression , there are a number of options you can try on your own to improve the situation.  If nothing seems to help, or if at any point you find yourself thinking about harming yourself, please seek professional help immediately. Exercise It is well-known and researched that physical exercise can help to combat depression . Exercise causes your brain to release neurochemicals called endorphins, which create positive mental and physical sensations, as well as reduce the perception of pain.  Exercise is also a great stress reliever, which can be helpful in dealing with some of the challenges you may be facing. Exercise also provides a number of indirect benefits.  It can improve the quality of your sleep  – when you’re more rested you are better able to handle your life situation. In addition, when you exercise you feel better and look better. This can boost your self-esteem and can help pull you out of a depressed mode. And if you choose to exercise at a gym or other public area, the social interaction can be another positive support. Get Out Social interaction is actually a key component of your self-care regimen. Depression by its nature isolates. It makes you want to stay home all day in your pajamas, or maybe not even get out of bed. This can compound your feelings of loneliness and alientation. You might feel like nobody really cares about you because nobody interact with you, but this is sometimes a self-fulfilling prophecy – when you isolate yourself from others, they tend to separate themselves from you as well. Even if you don’t feel like it, call some friends and meet up for lunch, get up and hit the gym, or just go for a walk outside. Being around other people is helpful in combating the feelings of isolation that depression can cause. Eat Right, Sleep Right Taking care of your physical health is important if you’re trying to take care of your mental health too. If your body feels lousy, your emotions are likely to be below as well. While it is tempting to comfort yourself with sugary or fatty foods, these are likely to leave you feeling worse off in the long run. Putting in a little extra effort to get some fruit and veggies on the table and to cut back on sweets can make a significant impact on your mood . Likewise, pay attention to your sleep habits is important. If you are watching movies for playing video games until 3 in the morning then sleeping till noon, you might find yourself feeling lethargic for most of the day and unaccomplished in the evening. Setting a regular and reasonable bedtime for yourself and sticking to it can improve this. Furthermore, staying away from electronic screens for an hour before bedtime – including televisions, computers, and smartphones – is a good way to get your mind and body ready for a healthful sleep. Seek Counseling You don’t have to be “crazy” to have a therapist. And you don’t need to wait until things are really bad before reaching out for professional help. Talking to a counselor can help you sort out the things you are struggling with in your life and figure out where to go next. Asking for help is a sign of strength, not a sign of weakness.  Weak people feel they have to project a certain image of themselves; strong people can do what needs to be done without letting unnecessary fears get in the way. These are just a few methods you can try to help pull yourself out of depression. Again, if you are feeling suicidal or are concerned about the severity of your depression, please seek professional help right away. We are here to help you whatever challenge you may be facing. Contact us today to learn how we can help. Learn more about our counseling services here .

If your child is experiencing negative feelings that persist to the point that they are not functioning properly, then they might be suffering from a depressive disorder. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention , about 3.2% of children aged 3-17 years are diagnosed with depression. That percentage might look small, but this is equivalent to 1.9 million people as young as toddlers and, based on the ongoing trend, this figure will continue to increase over time. When left unchecked, depression can have consequences on your child’s emotional and physical development. So, here are a few things parents can do to help children navigate the difficulties that come with depressive disorders . Know the Warning Signs If you suspect that your child is depressed, you will need to know what the warning signs actually are. Symptoms of depression can differ from person to person, but SymptomFind  can help you understand the different ways this mental health condition manifests. One telltale sign they outline is a loss of drive or motivation. Children with depression will lose interest in activities they found pleasurable in the past, including hobbies they may have been passionate about. They tend to withdraw from social situations and become reclusive. You also need to look for physical warning signs. Their weight might fluctuate drastically, while experiencing fatigue, insomnia, or, conversely, excess sleep. Provide Emotional Support Because depression can cause feelings of alienation, it’s important that you make your compassion felt. Be a steady source of emotional support but don’t force your child to open up. Focus on spending more quality time with your child, and engage in open and honest conversations. Above all, your child needs to know that you understand and acknowledge their struggles, so build a positive home environment that encourages empathy, not judgment. If you need a professional to help you facilitate better communication within the family, the Baltimore Therapy Center also provides resources for family therapy . Seek Treatment Just like any other sickness, depression is treatable. Consult with a psychiatrist to get an accurate diagnosis and determine the best strategy for helping your child recover. Provided below is a summary of common treatments for depression. Medication In moderate to severe cases where depression makes a notable impact on brain chemistry, taking medication is usually necessary. SSRIS and SNRIS can help regulate symptoms by regulating the levels of neurotransmitters within the brain. However, because depression can impair proper social functioning, it’s more important to have medication in conjunction with counselling. Combining the two will help provide your child with strategies on how to cope. Talk Therapy Psychotherapy, also known as talk therapy, aims to facilitate communication between a patient and a mental health professional in order to identify root causes of psychological distress. The common approaches to psychotherapy include psychodynamic therapy, and cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). Psychodynamic therapy examines emotions, thoughts, and past experiences to help give patients a clearer picture of their situations. This can be beneficial for children who have experienced trauma. CBT, on the other hand, is all about identifying problematic thought patterns and replacing them with healthier coping strategies. Unlike psychodynamic therapy, CBT places little emphasis on past events and instead focuses on what a patient can control at present, which can be useful for children who have difficulty opening up. Encourage Healthy Activities Depression might make your child reluctant to engage in new activities, even ones that will help them improve. However, it is vital that you encourage your child to build habits that can help them maintain their physical and mental well-being. Exercise It is a well-known fact that exercise boosts happy hormones. According to a study by  The Lancet Psychiatry , even light physical activity showed great results in the mental health of adolescents. The researchers outlined that it’s even more important in this day and age to incorporate exercise into kids’ daily routines, because they spend an average of nine hours a day doing sedentary activities. So to boost life satisfaction, positive self-image, and psychological well-being, encourage your child to get moving. Be sure to take it one step at a time and join them in being more active. Try not to overwhelm your child by making them start with physically demanding activities. Work light exercises into their routine, like taking a short walk around your block, going for a bike ride, or playing in the backyard. Meditation Using mindfulness techniques like meditation can help your child reach a heightened state of awareness. Meditation has many proven benefits on mental health, including reducing anxiety, stress levels, and better self-esteem. Fortunately, there are many available resources for learning meditation techniques. There are so many useful YouTube channels, videos, playlists, and apps that can help beginners get started with meditation. For starters, Headspace is a great resource to discover meditation. Having a child with depression can be a difficult and overwhelming experience. Fortunately, resources for prevention and treatment are becoming more accessible online. Take a proactive strategy to prevent your child from reaching a crisis point and reach out to us here at  The Baltimore Therapy Center .

Depression , or any other mental illness, is a really, really terrible experience. Ask anyone who’s been there. It stinks. It also stinks being the partner of someone with depression. It’s an awfully hard job. And it sometimes feels all the harder because you feel like you shouldn’t be complaining – after all, you’re not the one who’s ill! And yet… well, it’s just hard. Then there’s the confusion about what you’re supposed to be doing to help. Encouraging? Hugging? Carrying on as normal? Let’s take a look at the options in front of you for helping your depressed partner. Please remember, though, that you are not responsible for your partner’s mental illness, and you cannot make it go away. The best you can do is try to help. If things don’t get better, it’s not your fault . Like anything else in life, all you can do is try your best; you cannot make their problem go away by force of will, by nice gestures, or anything else. Ask your partner what they want. Try different things. Try to understand, but don’t assume you’ll get there. Read up on depression. Encourage them to seek help. Keep life going. Take care of yourself. Ask your partner what they want. This might seem kind of obvious, but everyone is different. There really is no one way to provide support to a depressed person. Your spouse might want extra space; or they may want more closeness. They may want you to handle some extra household responsibilities; or they may want you to give them chores to do so they feel useful. Rule #1: just ask them what they want. That said, you may not get a clear answer back. Especially for the severely depressed, things like wants and preferences can be so squelched that there’s not much they can offer by way of response. Still, don’t assume that’s where it is. Start by just asking them. Try different things. If they don’t have a good answer for what would help (or even if they do, really) – try something. Consider their Love Language – do they like to be touched? Maybe some extra foot rubs would help. Are they an Acts of Service person? Make them lunch, or take care of the laundry. Then ask for feedback. Was that helpful? Should I do more of that? Again, you may not be able to elicit a positive reaction from someone who’s really struggling. This can be exceedingly frustrating. Remember, all you can do is try your best. Hopefully something will produce some positive feedback, however minimal. If they don’t like what you’re doing, stop. Just because you like breakfast in bed doesn’t mean your partner does! (Remember that thing about everyone being different?) If you get zero response, it’s kind of up to you. Do you enjoy massaging your partner’s shoulders? If so, and they don’t express a positive or negative sentiment about it, go for it. But if you’re only doing it because you hope it will help and it’s not – stop. Pouring effort into a problem you can’t solve by engaging in a behavior you don’t enjoy will only leave you more frustrated and more resentful. Try to understand, but don’t assume you’ll get there. If you’ve never been there, you will not fully understand what it’s like to go through depression (or anxiety, or any other mental health condition). But that doesn’t mean you can’t try. One of my mentors said, “the effort you put into understanding someone is a demonstration of love.” Let them talk if they want to. Hear them out. Ask them what it’s like. Try to put yourself in their shoes. But don’t say, “I know what you’re going through.” You almost certainly don’t. If they are responsive to your attempts at empathy, ask directed questions. “What’s it like for you when the kids come home?” “Do you sometimes feel worthless?” “Are you in physical pain?” Just explore their world with them in a nonjudgmental way. Of course, if you have been there yourself, you can surely relate. But that still doesn’t mean you can experience what they are experiencing 100%. Do say, “it sounds so hard.” “I’m sorry for what you’re going through.” “Thanks for sharing with me.” “I love you.” Again, if they are feeling too low to be able to respond positively, don’t take it personally. Give what feels right to give, try your best, and then don’t lose sleep over whether you could or should be doing more. Read up on depression. It helps if you know what you’re up against. Depression is not the same as feeling sad . Depression is not something people choose, nor is it necessarily something they can control. Knowing what it’s actually like can help you feel less adrift and can prepare you better for what you may have to face. It can also help you feel less resentful to know what’s going on when your partner says they’ll do the dishes but then doesn’t (can’t). No really – it’s possible they can’t . It’s possible they are unable to get out of bed and it’s not just that they aren’t trying. Depression is a rotten thing. Reading up doesn’t mean that you have to find the answer all by yourself (or with Google’s help). It’s not about solving things; it’s about getting clarity about what’s happening so you feel less confused and less angry about the way your partner is behaving. Encourage them to seek help. There are many treatments that can help relieve depression, and they are constantly being refined. Depression can get better, even if your partner can’t imagine or believe it at this point. Several therapies have been proven to help, as well as medical interventions such as antidepressant medication , transcranial magnetic stimulation (TMS), electroshock therapy (it’s not what you think), and others. (This begs the question, which one should you choose? The best answer is probably, “try something.” Anything is better than nothing, and if it’s not the right fit, try something else! You can always start with your GP and get some guidance there; or go online to find a therapist or psychiatrist to consult with.) Don’t try to convince your partner that “it will be okay” and they “just need to [fill in the blank].” Instead, express confidence that the two of you will get through this together, and that there is help available. Note that “encourage” doesn’t mean berate, coerce, or put them down. Calm, confident, and supportive statements are a better approach. That sounds like this: I know you feel terrible. We’re going to get through this. I believe we can find some help together. You may not think anything can help; I think it’s worth trying. I don’t know what the answer is, but I am confident we can find something that will help. Note that if your partner is severely depressed to the point where they cannot function at all, or if they show signs of suicidality , that’s different – you may well need to act on their behalf. Consult with a mental health professional or your own doctor for guidance. Keep life going. One of the most helpful things you can do is to keep things going. If your partner is falling apart and isn’t able to function as well as they used to (or at all), it can be some comfort to them (if not now, then in the future) that their life didn’t fall apart as well. Make sure the bills get paid. Get the kids to school and back. Remember to shop for food. You may have to scale back on some things. The yard work may not get done; replacing the carpet may have to get pushed off; Christmas cards may have to be skipped this year. You also may have to get some extra help, whether it’s with childcare, or food prep, or anything else that you really need to keep afloat. Make a list of priorities. Know what has to happen and what doesn’t. Take care of yourself. This above all: you must care for yourself as well. If you overload yourself trying to help and support your partner, you’re both going to sink. It may be hard for you to leave your miserable partner at home while you go out with some friends, but at times this is simply necessary. You need some time away from your beloved but depressed significant other. You need some space to breathe. You need to keep your spirits up even during these tough times. This means eating well and sleeping well. Get enough sleep! People do a lot of harm to themselves by trying to do, do, do all the time and skimping on the rest. Exercise if you can, even if it’s just a daily walk around the block. Keep in touch with friends. Try to live as normally as possible. If you aren’t able to keep going, both of you are going to suffer for it. It is not wrong of you to enjoy yourself while your partner is depressed. You both need at least one of you still ticking. At the end of the day, there are no easy answers. Depression is hard for a person to go through; it’s hard for a couple to go through. Know that help is available. If you need some guidance and/or support for yourself, feel free to reach out to us , or to anyone in your life who can help.

While pursuing an advanced degree is exciting, it can be daunting. Balancing grad school academic demands, career responsibilities, and personal life can be overwhelming and result in burnout, anxiety, and stress. Loneliness among students, financial stress, and heavy workload are other reasons for mental health issues like depression in grad school. Statistics suggest that graduate students are more than six times as likely to suffer from depression than the general population. However, implementing the right coping strategies can help ensure success. Discussed below is how to handle grad school when you have depression. Embrace online learning Your educational setting can significantly impact your health and academic success. Opting for certified online programs, such as accelerated BSN programs online , can increase the chances of success for those going through grad school when they have depression. Online learning makes a positive difference in various ways, including: Personalized learning environment: As a grad student pursuing an online degree program, you can tailor your schedule and learning environment to match your personal needs, significantly reducing stress and anxiety Controlled social interactions: Online learning allows you to engage and interact with your peers in a more controlled way, which can be more inclusive and less overwhelming Reduced social pressure: Opting for online degree programs reduces the severity of social pressures common in traditional schooling, including bullying, which can be significantly beneficial for grad school students with depression Additionally, online learning offers more flexibility, which is vital for managing anxiety and stress . This allows you to establish a learning routine that accommodates your energy levels all through the day, ensuring you’re studying when most productive. Adopt effective time management strategies Time management is crucial for maintaining your mental well-being when in graduate school. Being able to allocate your time effectively reduces stress while ensuring you aren’t overwhelmed. Effective time management you can leverage to manage grad school stress and anxiety include the following: Use a calendar or planner: It can be a digital or physical device that enables you to organize your schedule, set reminders, and plan your activities. You can use a calendar or planner to map out your semester, monthly, weekly, and daily goals, plus your deadlines, events, and commitments Adapt the Pomodoro technique: It’s a popular strategy for boosting focus, efficiency, and productivity. The Pomodoro technique includes breaking down your tasks into 25-minute intervals, known as Pomodoros, succeeded by five-minute breaks. Upon completing four Pomodoros, you can go on a longer 15 to 30-minute break. This reduces distractions while maximizing concentration, helping you beat procrastination, minimize stress, and manage your energy levels. Practice mindfulness Grad school can be a hurricane of research, deadlines, and never-ending activities. Although feeling overwhelmed is easy, incorporating mindfulness into your daily routine can provide mental clarity and relief. Breathing exercises and meditation are powerful ways to regulate emotions and minimize stress. Some of the techniques you can incorporate into your daily routine include: Mindfulness meditation: Spending some time daily sitting quietly and concentrating on your breathing or chanting mantras can reduce stress and enhance mood Deep breathing exercises: They activate the relaxation response responsible for calming the nervous system down and sending a signal to the brain to relax, reducing stress. Take breaks Considering how demanding grad school can be, taking purposeful study breaks from studies to refresh your body and brain boosts energy levels, ability to focus, and productivity. Instead of browsing social media, find tasks that give your brain a break and let you move your body, breathe, and be creative. During your study breaks , you can: Meditate Take a walk Stretch Prepare a healthy meal Talk to a friend Take a nap Seek professional assistance Grad school can be hard on your mental well-being. Balancing academics, clinical training, and research can be overwhelming and stressful. Seeking counseling services can make it easier to handle grad school when you have depression . A counselor can help develop a strategy that can enable you to work through your problems, whether personal or academic, making it easier to manage depression. Counselors provide a safe, confidential zone where you can express yourself without the fear of being judged. Prioritize self-care Self-care is an effective way to relieve the signs of depression when in grad school. Taking time to do what you love and enjoy can help you relax. You can practice self-care by: Eating healthy, nutritious meals Getting enough sleep Taking some time off your busy study schedule daily Creating time for your hobbies Taking time to keep up with family and friends Start exercising Exercising doesn’t just benefit your physical health alone, it’s excellent for your mental health, especially when dealing with depression. Sticking to a regular workout routine significantly reduces depression and anxiety by releasing feel-good hormones. It also enhances and boosts cognitive function. Creating a workout routine that aligns with your schedule and sticking to it can help ensure consistency. It could be a lunch break walk, a morning jog, or a night yoga session. Choose exercises you enjoy to boost your chances of staying consistent. Maintaining a consistent workout routine helps not only alleviates depression but also enhances sleep quality. Limit distractions Getting distracted when studying is common and often results in procrastination and reduced productivity. This leads to accumulated workloads, which can be overwhelming and stressful. Eliminating or limiting distractions is key to your productivity and effective time management. To get started with removing distractions, determine what distracts you most and find ways to avoid it. For instance, if you’re unnecessarily wasting too much time on social media, you can switch off your phone or keep it out of sight. This will make it easier for you to concentrate and complete more work. Join a peer support group Talking to someone undergoing similar issues while in grad school can be comforting. Joining a support group lets you share your experiences and engage with others in a situation like yours. These student-led groups usually offer a sense of mutual support and community. Joining a peer support group in grad school offers several advantages, including: Enabling you to gain different outlooks on handling school when depressed Providing a safe space where you can express yourself and feel understood Helping you build friendships, allowing you to feel less isolated While going through graduate school when depressed is challenging, implementing the right strategies can be helpful. Embracing online learning, implementing effective time management techniques, practicing mindfulness, and more can help you fight depression and ensure grad school success.